It seems strange how quickly we adapt to a new normal. When schools shut down 5 months ago, we had no idea how long the schools would be shut for, we had no idea how much the country would shut down or the impact all this would have on our mental health. So here we are, a week away from schools returning in England and Wales, and a week or two after schools going back in Scotland.

To be honest, I’m still not convinced it’s all going to happen next week. Today on the radio there have been discussions about wearing face masks in schools in England (it has just been introduced in secondary schools in Scotland for communal spaces) and social media is full of people saying it’s all a hoax, or that it’s never going away. There are reports about the R number rising, and scientific advisers telling us that this new normal is probably going to be here for at least a year. My gut says something is brewing in the media or government and there will be an announcement in the next few days……

But, for now, let’s ignore my gut and assume the schools go back. The teen is anxious and apprehensive, but not much more than in other years. He’s worried about going in to Y11, he’s worried about Y11, GCSEs and what teachers he will have, and he’s worried about the changes that will inevitably happen when he goes back, but he’s not actually worried about the virus (however, he woke up with a runny nose, and had a bit of a wobble, but he doesn’t have a temperature, isn’t coughing and his sense of smell is as sensitive as ever, so it is just a cold). I trust his school to do everything they can to protect the students and teachers, and it helps that it’s relatively small with lots of outside space. Unless we have to isolate, or there’s a local lockdown I won’t be keeping him at home as he wants to be back and learning. He’s spent the summer looking up degree courses and he knows what results he wants next summer, knows his A-level choices and knows what grades he needs to get into the courses he’s interested in. Although I teach and tutor, I don’t have the facilities to get him the grades he needs (unless anyone has an empty science lab I can borrow??), so for his long term mental health, he needs to go back.

However, I understand that many parents and children are worried. I also understand that many parents and grandparents will be torn right now. They need a little down time, they have been juggling home life, work life, home schooling and lockdown, and in a week or so, they may get a little bit of breathing space and are probably counting down the days. They will also be worried about what happens when their children go back to school. Will the children come into contact with the virus? Will they get ill? Will they bring it home? Will they cope with the new normal in school with bubbles and staggered timetables? Will they have done enough work at home? Will they be behind? Will there be extra homework? What exactly will the new school routine feel like?

So many questions, so many feelings, so many worries and mixed emotions – and that’s just the adults! There is an inevitability to the anxiety and feelings that we are feeling at the moment. In our house, we talk about our feelings and thoughts and it helps. This came from a need to articulate emotions and how we process feelings that I first blogged about here. We acknowledge that there is often no logic to anxiety – although I think there is logic to being worried at the moment – and that we all cope with anxiety in different ways. It’s OK to worry, and at the moment, it’s to be expected.

I’m afraid there are no words of wisdom to end this post – just to let you know that we’re all in the same boat; mixed emotions, worries, uncertainty and the juxtaposition that we want to wrap our kids in cotton wool while letting them go back and be kids again. It’s going to be interesting, it’s going to be tough at times, but the virus isn’t going anywhere, and we need to find the new educational normal to let our children be children. If that means they go back next week with masks and face shields, that’s fine. If that means that you have decided home schooling is the way to go, good for you. If that means that you’re just going to spend too much time looking at the news, school websites, and eat too many biscuits, hey, that’s where I am right now too!

I have read a few posts this week talking about sleep, potty training, weaning, feeding teenagers, screen time…….and the list goes on and on and on.

Our children didn’t sleep, at all, ever. I joke that I have had 24 years of sleep deprivation as at the end of my first pregnancy I was so big and our baby was so wriggly and 1996 was a hot summer, so I found it hard to sleep. We tried sleep training (nope, did not work at all), co sleeping (1 would sleep well, 2, not so well, guess who slept (hint, they were under 4)), cots, cot beds, futons, lavender, baths, lavender baths, baby massage, cranio-sacral therapy, early bed times, late bedtimes, no bedtimes (going to bed with us), and nothing worked, our kids just did not like sleeping on their own.

However, for us, potty training was sooooooo easy! Both boys were out of nappies in the day by 20 months with no accidents. Our eldest took longer to be dry at night because of a kidney problem, but our youngest was dry at night at two. It just worked and was easy! Lots of no nappy time, then we bought them ‘big boy pants’ and that was it. Unless they got very distracted, they were dry.

Food – argh!!! As long as we cooked the same kind of food, they ate. I remember when our eldest was in hospital for a week when he was 7 months and everyone was amazed that he ate whatever was on offer from the children’s menu rather than baby food, but then he started nursery at 2 and started to hate food. Similar pattern with our youngest – eat anything and then eat nothing. I think they both survived on beige food from 5 to 15.

Feeding teens – endless beige food with fruit seems to be the norm in this house, although that is improving.

Screen time? Yes, they have lots of screen time (obviously our eldest does what he wants now, but this refers to him as a teen). They are dyslexic, and YouTube is for them what the local library was for me. They watch highbrow videos, utter trash and everything in between, pretty much like the books I read when I was 15.

Every family is different, and every child is different, and as long as the child is loved, fed, looked after and clean, nothing else really matters. When they are little, breast vs bottle is an odd argument. Feed the baby, love the baby and look after mum (& dad) too.

No one knows your baby/toddler/child/pre teen/teen/young adult as much as you do. Trust your gut, but if you are struggling or have a question or just need reassurance, please ask someone you trust rather than a stranger on social media and above all, do what works for you.

So, we are 19 weeks into lockdown (we had to isolate a week early due to a persistent cough) and although society is starting to ease out of it, we are still pretty isolated with minimal trips into the land of people! We haven’t just coped, we have thrived.  There have been some dark days for all of us, online schooling was stressful, the drop in income for 3 months was terrifying, but our little family unit has come through it stronger than ever, and I think I know why.

For the last 24 years (how is it that long???) our lives have been governed by one, and then two demanding individuals. They both have additional needs (or protected characteristics, hidden disabilities, SEND, however you want to classify things), and so, as parents, we had to adapt very quickly. Sleep deprivation was the norm from the last 3 months of my pregnancy with the older one, until he was about 7, and then I had a very nauseous pregnancy with the younger one, and the sleep deprivation continued, and still continues today, so for the last 24 years, we’ve had about 6 months of decent sleep.

Because of the sleep issues, separation anxiety, general anxiety, ADHD anger and ASD meltdowns, nights away for me were impossible, so we have only had 2 nights away child free since May 1996! Nights out were often brought to an abrupt end or cancelled as new babysitters were rejected.

My husband has always stayed away for work, so the boys were used to him being away and he has been able to escape on nights out with his friends a little more often, but still not as often as his peers.   I have had to turn down so many nights out that people stopped asking, and then I read social media posts about other people having fun, having holidays and living a vibrant, busy life, and I really felt I was being left behind.  It was so hard at the time to see my peers off having fun while I was holding a sick bowl or dealing with a meltdown, or just sitting with my glass of wine.

Thanks to Covid, however, I can look back and see it differently.  In our house there are two grown up adults (me and my husband), a 23 year old with ADHD and a history of mental health issues such as depression and OCD and a 15 year old with ASD & clinical anxiety. We have been together 24/7 (more or less) since the middle of March. 

However, we really have had a great time in lockdown. We’ve built a wildlife pond, made a bridge out of a ladder and planks to get to our wildlife pond. We’ve enjoyed our animals more, found zen-ness with equine therapy, laughed as we’ve chased hens round a field and cursed as we’ve scrambled through brambles catching escaping cockerels.  We’ve grown veg, read books, binge-watched new series and rediscovered old ones. We’ve established a family movie night, created amazing meals and tried new food. We supported new ventures, learned sign language (although that’s ongoing) and we’ve supported each other through the darker days.

What I used to see as being left behind wasn’t at all. I was building. When other people were out partying and having fun, we were building foundations for our quirky, amazing children, and for ourselves. We were building a life we don’t need to escape from so that when holidays are cancelled, we shrug our shoulders and carry on living at home. When we can’t go out for meals, we create interesting meals at home. When cafes are closed, we make our own cafe outside, next to the outdoor gym which was made when the public gyms closed. When we can’t go to the cinema, we watch films together, sitting on the sofa, laughing or crying together.

I have not missed out on anything over the last 24 years. I have been building my castle, and now I can stand at the top, look around me and love everything I see. 

We are at the end of week 2 of lockdown, but as we were in isolation for the week before, this is actually the end of week three for us. It has been hard – much harder than I anticipated, and not in the ways I expected.

Our teen has sensory processing issues, so food can be major stumbling block. Smells, tastes and textures are the main issues, so there is one preferred brand of cheese, limited vegetables, and most veggie stuff is a big no, so when lockdown happened, this was my biggest worry – how would he cope with not being able to pop to the local supermarket when something ran out? Actually, this part has been a breeze! He has been so good about trying new foods, about not keeping to our regular routine and has been so flexible. He is coming up with suggestions of meals to try knowing what is in our freezer, and so far, so good.

Even schooling wasn’t too bad last week. We set up a little pod for him at the top of the stairs with a small table and light, and each day when I got back from sorting out the animals, he was sitting there getting on with his work…..but then the novelty wore off, and he felt he couldn’t do this any more. I know what he means. The Sunday before the home schooling started, I cried. I cried because I didn’t want to be in this situation. We have considered home schooling for both of the boys, but in both cases decided no. With our teen, it was his decision. School had to be school, home had to be home, so we kept him at school. Now, though, the timing is bad. He finally has a tribe, he has friends, he has a social group. He comes out of school and tells me what this person has said, or that person has said. He has been in education for almost 12 years (if you include his time in nursery) and this is the first time this has happened, and now it’s lost.

He won’t call people, doesn’t go online, and is actually happy on his own. It is far too easy for him to isolate, to shut himself off. That part of lockdown isn’t a problem, but lockdown will end one day, hopefully not too far away, and then he has to go back. He has to leave his solitary bubble and go back and be a teenager, and that will be hard. The noise, the people, the conversations……..will it all be too much? Will it set him back? Or will he just carry on from where lockdown started and go back to his social behaviour?

Although being on his own isn’t a problem, home schooling has been this week. On Sunday he said that he couldn’t do this week. Every day was the same, and he just couldn’t do it. He had Monday off, and then I spoke to our wonderful Senco on Tuesday, and he has had a very low workload this week, with the idea that he will catch up over the Easter break. That has made a little bit of a difference, but this week has been hard. We have spent the last three nights on the sofa, he is struggling to get to sleep, because, as he told me last night, ‘If tomorrow is going to be the same as today, I don’t want to wake up to that so I don’t want to go to sleep’. We are in Groundhog day, I suppose. Anyway, to solve this, today we are baking, and then having a bonfire in the garden (teen and fire is a worrying but happy combination), so I am hoping that will make today a little better. We have decided that each evening we will choose two things that we are going to do the next day, so there is the motivation to go to sleep. It definitely worked last night as he (& so me) was asleep before midnight.

The priority for me for the next couple of weeks is his mental health and well being. School work will wait, mental health and well being will not. Usually in this situation, I would take him for a long walk in the Peaks, or to Sherwood Forest, but this isn’t an option, so we will do what we can in this strange, novel situation, and we will take one day at a time, and we will find our new normal, and hope it doesn’t last too long.

We live in very strange times. Nothing is certain, the news is scary, the supermarkets are full of people fighting over loo rolls, and there is a global pandemic of a new virus that in many cases is mild and is no more than a bad cold or mild flu, but in up to 4% of cases is fatal. Globally, hospitals and health care systems are being pushed to breaking point because of the volume of patients who need intensive care treatment. Some leaders seem as lost as we feel, and the advice coming from the top seems to change on a daily, or in some times hourly basis.

This week, vulnerable people have been advised to self-isolate for up to 12 weeks, and now schools are shutting to most students, possibly until September. That’s 5 months of our darlings at home, with limited places to visit and to explore and a changing world that we need to explain to them.

I am going to do a weekly blog, on top of any other ramblings I may post, to talk about how we are doing, to share information and ideas, and to try and build a sense of community. As you will know from previous blogs, my children are now 23 & 15, but between them have a variety of learning/social barriers including autism, ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, anxiety and Irlen Syndrome, so we are used to thinking outside the box, or even like there is no box. Hopefully my musings will help you all, but please either comment on the blog or on social media if you have found good or bad things that would be good to share – and things that didn’t work can be as useful as things that do!

This week, our youngest and I have been on house arrest as we both have a cough. Is it C-19? Probably not, but it is a persistent cough, we are both really tired and were achy at the start, so we’re not taking any chances. To be honest, he hasn’t really been well enough to look at the work school have sent through, and until last night wasn’t really that interested in what was going on. However, as the school closures became official, he started to rant about everything the government could have done differently, how the closures are too late, how all the governments should have worked together more….and so it went on. It’s good that he’s feeling better, but this anger will be around for a while.

I’m not going to start home schooling properly until Monday as he still isn’t 100% and I’m not up to the battles. However, I do need to plan at least an outline of what we will be doing over the next few weeks. We need a timetable or procrastination and distraction will mean we’ve baked a lot of scones, but haven’t really progressed with higher level GCSE maths! I think a couple of hours a day schooling, with a break in between, and then time outside gardening, walking the dog, going to the local National Trust property (while avoiding people), meeting up with friends, if we can, and whatever else we may decide to do, that fits into the government guidelines at the time.

I am not dreading this – there is a little apprehension – but we have become obsessed with being busy, with rushing from one thing to the next, to have the latest, to buy the latest, and that’s not an option right now. The first thing on our non-school list is gardening. Plant seeds, nurture them, and eat them when they are ready. We are going to watch the seasons change, and we are going to make the most of this enforced break, and we are going to listen to the earth, and listen to ourselves.

This year has been tough on our teen, and we’re only at the beginning of March. There was an issue just after Christmas which I mentioned here, and although school handled it incredibly well, we had ongoing issues because of the effect this had (also discussed in the post). It was a long half term up until February, half term itself was not relaxing as it was just a countdown to going back, and then the anxiety, worry and expectation of a downturn hit again as soon as he was back.

I emailed school and I spoke to the SenCo. I explained the situation and they were very understanding and put support in place in lessons where needed. However, they couldn’t sort out what was going on inside his head, and neither could I. It then occurred to me that a year ago when I was GCSE Options time, he sorted out a clash of subjects while I was exchanging emails with the head of year. Earlier this academic year there was another problem that I was trying to sort out that he gave a concise and logical argument in favour of his point of view.

I deferred the battle to him. I reminded him of his successful track record, and I told him that if this one small aspect of school was as bad as it felt, do something.

He did.

He emailed the SenCo and Head of Year and asked for a meeting. At the meeting he was a calm, composed and eloquent. He explained the problem, explained in detail about how it affected his mental health not just during the lesson, but before and after. He explained why their measures that had been introduced to help him wouldn’t work, and he got the outcome he wanted.

I wouldn’t want to repeat the last few weeks, but I also wouldn’t want to take it away or stop the bad things happen. Our teen is a different person. He is stronger, because he took control and sorted out his problem. He is more confident because of sorting out the problem, but also because he found out he had the backing of the sports team. He is even walking with more self belief and attitude – and his rugby has suddenly reached a new level. I’ve even had a glimpse of teenage grumpiness and grunting!

Dealing with this situation, deciding to sort it out himself and finding a bigger tribe has been invaluable for his mental well-being. He has come out of this stronger, and it’s a fabulous thing to see!

I almost called this post ‘Count your Blessings’ but sometimes it’s very hard to do that when you’re faced with another battle, meltdown or dilemma, so I this one seemed more apt. It’s also a bit of a long one, so bear with me……..

When I was pregnant with our eldest, 24 years ago (yikes!) I imagined a happy baby, and then a toddler who would love books as much as I did. I was a very early reader, so I assumed our baby would be too. My husband was academic at school, like me, and was sporty, so between us we imagined fuss-free schooling, and weekends watching our child playing football matches, swimming in tournaments and horse riding.

I certainly got my wish for a happy baby, and the sporty things happened very early too (he was beating me at Swingball when he was 3!) and he loved being read books but my gut said there was something a little different. However, he was out first, and this was our normal. He struggled in school in reception and year 1, and we finally paid for dyslexia screening. He was on the border of significant and severe dyslexia.

We had a similar ‘thing’ with our youngest. I knew that there was something going on when he was very young & I spoke to the health visitor about it. However, I was dismissed and instead offered counselling (he spent a week in intensive care and another week just in an incubator after he was born) as she thought I was worrying too much, and I needed to be tougher at night when he wouldn’t sleep. Yeah, like that would have helped!

He was screened for dyslexia when he was 7.5, and he was significantly affected by it, so my gut instinct had been right! As I had had suspicions from when he was very young, and because of the issues we had had with our eldest, we did more to help him cope and to help academically, and to stop the cycle of failure.

In addition, our eldest was finally screened for ADHD when he was 16, and he is ‘very’ ADHD (if that’s a thing), but again, in many ways our family lifestyle had already helped him manage his amazing but eclectic way of being.

And then there’s autism – something I had seen but hadn’t – if that makes sense! Looking back, there were so many things that we did or put in place to make life smoother or to help our youngest cope with different situations, and now it is so obvious that it was there from the start, but the struggle for diagnosis didn’t start til he was 10, and we didn’t get the answer we needed (and that he pushed for) until he was almost 14.

So now we have two children who both have barriers and additional needs (plural for each of them – I haven’t mentioned Irlen Syndrome, but overlays and coloured paper are part of the coping mechanisms too), and who are both amazing! Barriers don’t mean our children won’t succeed, or will do badly or won’t manage, they just mean we have to go into their world instead of insisting they come into ours.

We have a young adult who, admittedly, isn’t ‘academic’ (how I hate that term), but who can play any musical instrument he can pick up, who has played sports at a high level, has had England trials for one sport and national rankings for another, who is the most charming, polite and charismatic individual you could ever want to meet, and who is inspiring many through his achievements and empathy. He hasn’t read the book that says children with ADHD, severe dyslexia and OCD won’t achieve, and instead he is just amazing and achieves anything that he puts his mind to.

We also have a teen who is ‘academic’ and who works so hard to fulfil his potential (and my goodness, what potential). He has significant dyslexia, autism (not Asperger’s or HF, autism), clinical anxiety and has to have coloured paper as white triggers visual distress, and he uses his individualism and unique way of thinking to excel in maths, sciences and art. His grades are amazing – way above those of many neurotypical students, and why shouldn’t they be? He is incredibly clever, and academic (because they’re not necessarily the same thing) and will excel at whatever scientific or artistic field he chooses after formal education.

Had you told me 24 years ago that the baby I was carrying and the one that would follow 8 years later would have serious health issues as babies (yes, our eldest was ill as a baby too and had to have regular scans until he was a teen), would have SENDs, mental health issues and we would be battling schools and employers for the next 24+ years, I would have been terrified. I wouldn’t have known what to think, but I would have been sure that I wouldn’t have been able to cope.

However, I would never, ever want any other children. My kids are amazing and inspirational. They brighten every single say – this morning as they were unloading the dishwasher they were making each other laugh, and our eldest had full adhd kick in after having more sleep than usual and was making up songs and singing to the bran flake box! Yes, we might not be able to go away overnight because, well, we just can’t. We might have to avoid cafes and restaurants if they are too noisy. We may have mess all over the house and towels may all end up on the floor of the older one’s bedroom, but we also have laughter and the best kind of chaos and deep conversations and squeeze-all-the-sadness-away hugs, and we are a very together, happy family.

Twenty four years ago, this scenario wouldn’t necessarily have been what I would have chosen, but thank goodness you don’t always get what you want. We are living, and loving, the life we have, and I wouldn’t change a thing!

This morning a Facebook memory popped up that was an interview with Terry Waite about his time when he was held hostage in Beirut. Although the point of the interview was to emphasise the importance of the arts and imagination, the thing that really, really resonated with me was him saying that: ‘This is your life now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday now. And in this moment, don’t be defeated’.

I feel like a bit of a drama queen in a way, as this amazing man was talking about 5 years as a hostage, enduring isolation, beatings, and unimaginable hardship, but his words really spoke to me and how I was feeling last night and this morning after another night sleeping on the floor of our teen’s room.

I sometimes feel like I am struggling with everything, that I should be handling things better, that I shouldn’t be behind at work or the house should be less feral or I could be doing things better to support our family. However, if we had a new born or a young baby and I felt like this, people wouldn’t be surprised at all. Almost everyone who is a parent has felt the exhaustion that a new baby will bring, so people nod, understand and sometimes give unsolicited advice.

We, however, have an anxious, autistic teen, and as I have blogged numerous times before, if you have met one autistic person you have met…. one autistic person, so even if I talked to lots of other parents in the same situation as us, the chances are they would be having a completely different time with different highs and lows! So, we are in unknown, uncharted territory. This is our normal. This is our now.

With our eldest, when he was a teen, sleep was ok but the days were angry. With our youngest, the days are, generally, ok but sleep is the issue. The big plus is that we have 8 years between them so at least the anger stopped before the sleepless nights started!

We are lucky to have two amazing children with amazing brains that sometimes overthink, but more often are, well, amazing. If the downside to that, was angry daytime teenage years or restless nighttime teenage years, then that’s fine. This is our normal, this is now, and we will not be defeated!

After a morning coffee and catch up with friends, putting the world to rights and discussing our teens, a common thread through all teen issues seemed to be a lack of trust and a feeling that their parents have lied.

This was definitely the final straw when our eldest had a tough couple of months when he was in Y11. He was having lots of struggles with hormones & puberty, pressure of GCSEs and pressure from peer groups, but the thing that finally pushed him over the edge into a spiral of anger and a deep sadness was the feeling that we had lied to him.  This all centred on the illness and then death of a close relative, and at the time I thought I was protecting him & sheltering him when he was already very stressed, but he didn’t see it like this. He felt lied to about how bad the situation was, and so that meant there was a trust issue because if we, his safe people, had lied, who could he trust?  I made it worse when I found out because I tried to justify and excuse my actions. For him, my lack of acknowledgement or understanding of how my actions had impacted him added to his negative feelings.

We are all, however, human, and we never stop learning. What happened 7 years ago completely changed what I told my children, and I don’t lie or hide truths from them. At the time, I thought that these were completely different things – but to an angry 16 year old, they’re not.

I now answer questions as honestly and in as much detail as I can. That doesn’t mean that they know everything. A friend as been going through a very tough & difficult time. The boys know that we meet more often, and so have asked if everything is ok. I can’t tell them everything- so this then leads to more honesty. I said something like ‘X is going through a really tough time. There are things I can’t tell you as I need to respect X’s privacy, and because there are other people involved. However, I can tell you that X is ok, they just need a bit more support at the moment.’ That also shows that we can be honest without spreading gossip or breaking a confidence, which is another life lesson.

At a time when everything around them, on them and inside them is changing, our teens need to know they can trust us. Sometimes doing what we think is the right thing and sheltering them actually leads to mistrust as teens (and younger children) tend to know more than we give them credit for. They listen to conversations that we might think they can’t hear, they read our moods – they may read our texts! They also notice if we suddenly have a different code on our phone, or take calls out of earshot, or if our moods or actions change.

We don’t need to tell them everything, and what we do tell them may differ from family to family or even from situation to situation – or you may disagree entirely! But for us, honesty is the best policy, and being more open and transparent has certainly helped deal with teen issues. We have found that the more open and honest we are with them, the more honest and open they are with us.