In January 2008, when our youngest was just 3, he started at the nursery school that would become his primary school, and which would feed into his senior school. 13.5 years ago he was a chunky little toddler, full of mischief, but also very full of his own opinions, with one of his favourite phrases being ‘yes, but…..’. He is now 6′ 4″, very full of his own opinions, and is about to finish compulsory education, and in 2 weeks will finish year 11.

Covid made last year very difficult. The then Y11s finished school at Easter, and their grades were based on school assessments and algorithms, and then after the public outcry when results were issued, they were based on teacher grades. It was awful for the students, and for their teachers.

Fast forward to 2021, and this year is worse. The current Y11s have had at least 2/5 of their taught terms online, and 1.5/5 interrupted by isolation, bubbles and distancing, which means only a term and a half have been ‘normal’ and pre-covid. This final term where they would normally be on study leave has been assessments, assessments and more assessments as teachers desperately try to gather the information needed to give grades that will pass inspection by the exam boards in June and July.

This year’s cohort spent from March to the end of the summer term last year doing online learning while teachers tried to get to grips with Teams, Zoom and working from home. Some students had all the gadgets they needed, others didn’t have laptops, tablets or wifi. The summer term was a bit of a disaster even though teachers and students worked really hard to make it work.

In September, summer exams were definitely going ahead, with slight adaptations to curriculum so that the load would be a little lighter. In October exams were definitely going ahead, no centre assessed grades would be needed, but there would be a reduced curriculum which would be announced at the end of January. In sciences, formulae and equations would be given to the students to make the exams a little fairer. In December with cases rising and hospitals preparing for another wave and businesses preparing for another lockdown, exams were going ahead.

At the beginning of January, less than 6 months before the exams, schools were staying open and exams were going ahead. Just 3 days later, schools were closing for at least half a term, and exams were cancelled, but iGCSEs were going ahead. In February iGCSEs were cancelled too.

Schools didn’t open until mid-March, and some schools had phased openings. As with the summer lockdown, not every student in Y11 had access to laptops, tablets or wifi. Not every student could learn.

Over the Easter break, JCQ and Ofqual released info to teachers about what was expected, just 3 months before the deadline of June 18th, but they also announced the appeals procedure, just in case it was needed. While teachers tried to make sense of the information, they also had to plan how to assess, and how to find the time to mark, cross mark and submit ‘robust evidence’ that was fair to their students, and also would pass external quality assessments by the exam boards.

This all means that now, at the beginning of May, just 6 weeks before deadline day, there are hundreds of exhausted teachers and students (and parents) who are still in the thick of it, and are still trying to make sense of it all.

For us, we have two weeks until our son’s assessments are done. Two more weeks of juggling revision and down time, making sure enough has been learned while not heading towards an overload situation. We need to keep the motivation and desire to do well there for the next two weeks, and this will involve study, revision, fruit and lots and lots of donuts!

This summer, on the 12th August, when my son and his peers open that envelope and get their results, I hope they are happy. I hope they are pleased that they got to this point in this shi*tstorm of a year. I hope they realise that to have got through the last 18 months is a huge achievement, but to have sat assessments and exams is something else. I hope they know that they can do anything after this year, regardless of what that results slip says. I hope they know that they truly are amazing, and the future is theirs to grab, and I hope they know that I, and so many other parents and teachers around the country, are immensely proud of them, of all they have done, and of all they will go on to do.

To most people looking in, I assume we look like a regular family, whatever that may be. People who don’t know us very well probably think that I am a helicopter mum who fusses too much, that I’m anti-social or a bit aloof, and they probably think we don’t spend enough time away from our children. If only it were that simple!

This is not a pity post – I have just belly laughed with both of my fabulous ND children (who are no longer children) on the way home from the dentist, and for about 20 minutes afterwards. We are an incredibly happy family, we laugh together, we cry together and we are very, very together. My autistic teen has the driest, darkest sense of humour you could imagine, and he is so sarcastic – and our kids rib and tease each other all the time. They also have each other’s backs. They can throw insults at each other, but no one else can.

My reason for writing this post, however, is that however regular we may seem when looking in, and whatever people who don’t know us may think of our parenting, looking out can be very different to looking in.

4 years ago today, the rugby club went on a mini tour to Coventry. It was the team’s first tour, and parents and grandparents could go along too. Most of the kids and parents had an amazing time, and their Facebook feeds are full of happy memories and photos of the first day of the weekend away. Mine just shows a log on to Wasps’ Wifi. I wrote a post about it while we were away, which you can read here.

A lot has changed in my view of life over the last 4 years. At the time I was upset, but felt you couldn’t plan a whole weekend away for one person – but now I disagree with that thought completely. To be inclusive and not be ableist, you need to make sure that what you plan suits everyone, not just the majority. What happened on that weekend away impacted our son. He did go away the year after, but didn’t really enjoy it – he tried to have a neurotypical weekend away with the rugby team, but he isn’t NT, and it wasn’t the success we wanted it to be. He didn’t go away two years ago, and even if the tour hadn’t been cancelled last year, he didn’t want to go on that either.

Looking in we may seem like everything’s fine, but looking out, your world is very different to ours – even if your world is full of neurodiversity. I have written so many times about your normal being different to our normal, so I’m not going to write lots about it here, but we need to be how different we all are, even within NT or ND communities.

If I could turn back time, I would talk to the tour organiser and point out that for something to be inclusive, it has to be organised so that everyone is included, all the time. If you need to put in rest breaks or down time for some, then everyone can have that downtime – all teens are happy to have an hour on their phones! In the same way, if one person needs there to be disabled access, you make sure you all go to somewhere with that access. We need to include everyone, not just give options for people who might not want to do what we want to do.

We went into the first lockdown 11 months ago. We’ve had 3 lockdowns, we’ve had tier systems and we’ve had so much online learning.

We’ve just had half term, although it hasn’t been much of a half term. The teen isn’t coping well. He doesn’t like online learning, he doesn’t want to leave the house, he doesn’t really want to leave his room. He is 16. He has spent most of the last year in some form of lockdown or tier system. He can’t go out and see friends. He can’t have friends to his house. He can’t moan about his boring parents to his friends. He can’t share teen jokes or have teen conversations. He can’t laugh with his friends – and he can’t argue with them, or fall out or be annoyed by people. He can stay at home.

I understand that there are lots of people really struggling with the worry of what the government may say tomorrow. Some worry we may come out of lockdown too soon, others that it will be too slow. Some don’t want schools to reopen as that can spread the virus, others want school to reopen as the children need to go back.

Imagine being a teenager in 2021. Imagine not seeing friends. Imagine not leaving the house more than once a day (because that’s the law, not because you choose to). Imagine sitting in front of a computer screen every day unable to eye roll at a friends when the teacher says something. Imagine struggling in a lesson but the teacher can’t see your slumped shoulders and so thinks you’re doing ok. Imagine every day being the same, the same four walls, the same conversations with the same people you see all day every day and have done for the past 11 months. Imagine those rebellious years when you are supposed to be taking risks and pushing boundaries spent sitting in your room. Imagine being stuck with your parents all the time with no break, no one to moan to about them and their older people ‘jokes’. Imagine not knowing what the summer assessments will be like, not knowing what to revise for. Imagine feeling so low and fed up with the situation you don’t want to revise or learn, you just want to sit in your room and stare at the ceiling. Imagine how hard it is for our teens in 2021.

I don’t want our son to be at risk. I don’t want him to bring Covid back home. I don’t want him to feel he is putting us at risk.

I do want him to have conversations with people his own age. I do want him to laugh and share teen jokes with his peers. I do want him to be annoyed by others in his year. I do want him to engage with teachers and learn to love learning again. I do want him to tell us stories about what he’s been up to that lunchtime. I do want him to be able to be a teen.

Today I am struggling. We are moving soon (stressful time), we are both really busy with work (stressful), and online schooling started again last week (very stressful), but all that is ok and is going as well as you would expect in January 2021! The problem today is that last night was a bad night.

I was expecting it, as it’s the teen’s response to stress and change. Although he has coped really well with the news of the new lockdown and online schooling, it’s not what he wants. He’s in Y11. He spent a term of his GCSEs online learning last year, and now it looks like this may well be repeated this term (I really don’t expect them to be back in February, but I am hoping they might). He went back in September not knowing what was going to happen in June, but then the Govt announced that exams were definitely going ahead, even though Scotland and Wales announced that their GCSEs or equivalents would be online.

School have been very good from the beginning of this academic year – masks were compulsory in communal areas from the beginning, there were seating plans and year groups were kept separated. There have been a couple of isolation periods, but on the whole, it’s all been ok. We were geared up for going back to school on the 11th with testing, and it was all fine – 5 months til the exams and it was all on track.

But then is wasn’t.

This isn’t a political post, and I don’t think this platform is the place for politics, but school staff, I don’t know how you’ve managed what you’ve managed. With 12 hours notice in some cases, you have achieved online learning and face to face teaching while managing panicking parents and students. I salute each and every one of you. You are all amazing, and I will be sending regular emails to Ofsted and Gavin Williamsons telling them how brilliant you all are.

Add to that, Y11 and Y13s suddenly found out that they won’t be taking exams this summer, but we don’t quite know what is replacing them. However, iGCSEs probably are still going ahead, and vocational exams may be going ahead…..

This is just too much for my brain, and the teen couldn’t cope last night, so we had another night of camping in the lounge. This is what he needs to do to cope with worrying situations, and that’s OK. I am happy to sleep in the lounge with him if that prevents meltdowns, migraines and projectile vomiting. But today, I am struggling. I am tired, so tired. I am tired of not knowing what’s coming next, of worrying about Y11, of what Y12 may bring, and if Covid will be under control by then, but most of all, I am just tired.

We have two children with additional needs/protected characteristics. We have had over 24 years of worrying, sleep deprivation and battling. I chatted to another mum in the week who has children of a similar age with similar issues, and we both agreed that sometimes it feels like the stress will last forever. As parents we all fight different battles, and we all have our worries. Some will have much greater worries than we do, and some will have less, but for those of you who are tired and exhausted today, I hear you!

I’m not quite sure what the point of this meandering, rambling post is. I think we need to be honest about are ups and downs as parents, and I think that we need to share when we are having a harder day as well as celebrating the good days. We are 10 months into the pandemic in the UK, and 9 months into the lockdown/tier/hands, face, space situation, and it is hard, and some days are harder or more tiring than others.

So, if you can relate to this, I hear you. Tomorrow is another day, and just as the evenings are getting lighter, the vaccine will hopefully mean that this situation we all find ourselves in gets lighter too, and we will get through this, even if we are tired and if we stumble & write moaning blog posts sometimes. We can do this. We can.

Our youngest broke up today, and I cannot express how relieved I am that we’ve got to the end of the Christmas term 2020. It’s a small school, they have handled the year bubbles well and it has been relatively uneventful (yes, there have been a few cases of Covid amongst staff and students, but the school have been very good, have enforced Public Health England (PHE) protocol and disruption has been minimal), but I am so pleased that they broke up today.

I was worried when they went back. I was worried about Covid, I was worried about the impact the summer term had had on learning (again, school handled things well, but it wasn’t the same as being ‘in’ lessons) and I was worried about how the change in routine and being locked into the bubble was going to have on his mental health.

It hasn’t been easy, and it took a while for him to adjust. The masks weren’t comfortable, lunchtime was too noisy (he used to get an early lunch pass so that he avoided crowds, but this term they had to stay in their year bubble) and even at break they had to stay in their common room. That was hard. I contacted school and they did the best they could, but as year groups had to stay together, there wasn’t a lot of flexibility.

There was also the uncertainty about whether or not the exams would go ahead. Although at the beginning of this academic year I wanted the exams cancelled and everything be based on classroom assessments, as this term has gone on, and with the hope of mass vaccinations, I now hope they can sit their June exams, and I hope that it gives the current Y11 and Y13 cohorts more time to learn and to catch up. It also gives them the opportunity to finish the course they started back in September 2019, and to (hopefully) put 2020 behind them as they move on to bigger and better things.

So, here we are, at the end of y11 term 1. Just 2 more terms and our baby will be ready for 6th form – and he has already made his choices.

I would not choose a year like 2020, and had you told me this time last year what the next 12 months would bring, I would have panicked, but this year has been good for our youngest. It has given him time to reflect and to pause. It has forced him to take more responsibility for his own learning, and has given him a taste of a more college based style of learning in the summer term of online lessons. It will have shaped his future as well, not just in terms of academics, but in terms of who he is. This year will have a huge impact on older teens and young adults; they are old enough to understand the consequences of a pandemic, they will have seen older relatives shield and may even had known people who have had Covid and who may not have recovered, but they are not old enough to help or to do anything about it. They are living through an unprecedented global disaster which is impacting every part of their lives. Just to have got through this year without too many hiccups is amazing, and I applaud each and every one of them.

So, what next? Hopefully next year will see the virus being brought under control through vaccinations and wise governmental decisions, and our teens can finish Y11 with confidence that there really isn’t anything that they cannot overcome with perseverance, hard work and just keeping going.

2020 is the strangest year I have ever lived through, and there are still almost 3 months to go. Had you told me back in January, at the beginning of the year, that we were going to be in lockdown for 6 months, online schooling for a term and that my two skware pegs would have to deal with all that, plus job worries, cancelled holidays and other things, I would have panicked and I would have catastrophised. My goodness, how I would have catastrophised. I would have imagined meltdowns, panic attacks, anger, frustration, sadness and so much more.

Luckily, in January all we knew was there was a novel virus causing problems in Asia and in small hotspots around the globe. We had no idea the impact it was going to cause, and that we would still in in the grips of its effect 10 months on.

Many people have found 2020 unbelievably hard. Many have lost loved ones, either directly or indirectly due to C-19, and many have been unable to say their goodbyes. Weddings have been cancelled, holidays postponed, celebrations put on hold. Jobs have been lost, people have gone into debt, and cases of mental illness have increased.

However, for us, 2020 has made us stronger. Yes, there have been worries. Yes, work and money was a huge worry for a while. There were health issues (my grandmother was ill for a few months we were her carers) and we had cancelled big birthday & then wedding anniversary celebrations and holidays. There was the stress of juggling online schooling with working from home (& doing twice daily visits to Granny) and we did have some very dark moments. Nevertheless, out of the darkness has come a strength we didn’t know we had. Our family unit has become stronger than before. We have supported each other through bad days, we have talked, we have found new ways to celebrate and we have been through it all together.

My children have grown in mental strength and self belief. They know the uncertainty we have lived and continue to live through, and they know that we can do this together. We have been all been more honest & open about our feelings and our worries, and we have allowed each other more space too. We have found a real balance, and it’s been great!

I want C-19 to disappear, I want some certainty to return and I want to not be worried by increasing numbers and politicical rhetoric. I want to be able to go for a coffee with my grandmother and not have to worry about who else may be there, and I want to be able to hug friends I haven’t seen for a long time. I wish that friends who have lost loved ones to the virus hadn’t, I wish friends who have had the virus recover without ‘Long-Covid’, I wish businesses to recover and I wish that the people who are suffering from mental health issues, or are struggling right now could feel normal again. But I am pleased that C-19 taught us how to be a strong, resilient family, and I am glad that it has made us stronger.

I have friends who have young children, and they post pictures and comments on social media, and their friends inevitably comment. One thing that has really hit a nerve over the last few months (and maybe it’s just lockdown making me more sensitive to stuff) is people commenting on what a good baby/toddler/child it is because he or she sleeps, eats, uses a potty, goes to school without a fuss, and then that makes mum a good mum too. I need to point out that these posts have been from female friends hence good mum, but dad, grandparent, aunt/uncle or carer are interchangeable here.

My children didn’t sleep through (or at all), and my 15 year old still struggles with sleep when he’s anxious or going through tough teenage times. They were both picky with food, they didn’t always like school, they were (are) messy, they didn’t get As in all their reports, so does that make them bad children or me a bad mum? Actually, my sister and I were bad sleepers, so was my husband, and so was my mum. Were we all bad children, or just not ‘good’ children?

The way society perceives good is linked into normal or conforming behaviour. If your baby sleeps through the night from 6 weeks (or younger), and still does now they’re a toddler, plus they hit all their milestones early and were talking by 18 months and dry by day & night by 2, that’s great, it really is. No sarcasm at all here, I am pleased for you and your baby. But if your baby was still awake every night at 4 (years), refusing food, hating school and leaving the house with a winter coat in the middle of the summer because you HAVE to get food shopping and that’s the only way you could get them out of the house, then I see you, I hear you, and that’s great too.

There is so much societal judgement when we think about becoming parents (and an equal amount of judgement if we decide not to). If you dare to have a sip of wine, or a Mr Whippy ice cream when you’re pregnant, you will be judged by some. Work right til the end of pregnancy??? Don’t you think you should rest? Take early maternity leave??? What kind of example are you setting? Go back to work after 3 months?? Tut. Take extended maternity leave?? Tut. Decide to be a stay at home mum (or dad)?? Tut. Breast or bottle? Co sleep or separate rooms? Sleep training or feed on demand? Baby led weaning or pureed everything? Disposables or reusables? Nursery, childminder or grandparent? School, homeschool or unschool? And so the list goes on and on and on. We are judged by our peers (and ourselves) and so the comments about the ‘good baby’ who sleeps, or the ‘good toddler’ who eats cabbage and the ‘clever preschooler’ reading and writing can do harm.

We are bombarded with advice through the early parenting years (although that seems to dry up as they get older and turn into hormonal teens when advice would be very useful) and we do our best for our children. At the end of the day, whether you chose breast or bottle, co sleep or have a night nanny, become the puree queen or use fish fingers, if you and your baby are happy most of the time, and if your routine and choices suit you, then that’s enough. I had two amazingly good babies who grew up to be amazingly good adults, and they still don’t like cabbage, or sleep, or wearing coats (even in winter), or following the rules or societal expectations, and we’re doing just fine!

So, it’s finally here. After 5 months of schooling at home (I am really unwilling to call this home schooling) schools in England are opening in the next week or so. I’m lucky that our school is small, the year group bubbles aren’t too big, and they’ve asked the students to wear masks in corridors so I’m not too worried, and neither is the teen. However, lots of parents, teachers and students are understandably unsure about what’s going to happen.

The main worry in this house isn’t Covid, it’s the not knowing and the huge change in routine. Most children were last in school around 24 weeks ago – almost half a year. We were off from the 13th March because the teen, and then I, had a bad cough that may or may not have been ‘it’. By the time he was well enough to go back, schools had closed. He had completed about 60% of year 10 before lockdown, and then 33% was online, so we have a missing 7%, but compared to many, we are fortunate that there were online lessons for the summer term that he found engaging and so I don’t think he’s too far behind. That saying, he is going into a new year with a new routine, timetable, regime and so much more. Although he is going back to a school he has known for 12 years (his brother was there before him) everything is going to feel different.

As parents, how do we help our children through this? For us, it’s all about talking, listening and really hearing what our children are saying. We’ve had a tough week or so, with lots of sighing and shoulder shrugs, which means we’ve had a week or so of listening and doing whatever the teen wants us to do. He’s spent lots of time in his room watching whatever he wants on TV, but we’ve also had walks, he’s come with me to the recycling centre (oh, the excitement) so that we could chat on the way there and back, and we’ve let him choose what to watch in the evenings when he’s come to sit with us. We’ve acknowledged that this is strange, and that everyone is going to find the next few weeks odd as we all get used to the new normal in schools, colleges and universities. We’ve also acknowledged that there isn’t a right or wrong way to feel, and that there can be a mix of emotions – they can look forward to going back AND feel worried about going back AND feel pleased they can escape from us for a day AND not want to leave us for a day, all at the same time. No one has ever been through this before, we are in new territory, and we have to find our own way.

I am lucky that my job has quite flexible hours, and so I can take the time to sit and chat, or sit and be ignored, but if you work, if it’s possible, over the next few weeks, please make sure you check in on your children when you have time. Sometimes when I know something isn’t quite right but he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’ll take my laptop and sit on his floor and work while he watches telly or plays a game, and then at least I’m there. However, if he wants to be on his own, I respect that and leave him for a little while.

Parenting when there isn’t a global pandemic can be hard, and parenting at the moment really feels like wading through treacle wearing lead boots at times. This post may resonate with you, in which case, use the bits that you find useful, or it may not, and may seem utter nonsense – and that’s fine! We all have our own parenting styles and we all have our own highly individual children. However, whatever you think of my ramblings, I hope that if the next few weeks (??months) seem hard, you will message me here, or via social media (find me on FB, and Twitter) if you need someone to listen. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I am here, and I will listen and I will hold your hand if you need me to.