University

When the nest isn’t empty…..

| skwarepegrowndhole

At this time of year, social media seems to be full of teens going off to university and parents & carers dropping off and then going back to an empty house. As I drove to work this morning, I was moved by a dad’s words about his daughter going to a university 3 hours away next weekend. It’s a very emotional time for them, and for us.

However, it can also be very emotional when your teen’s friends are all going off to university and they aren’t, for whatever reason. It can be very emotional when your friends are all talking about how they are going to fill their evenings now their teens are at uni, and yours is in their bedroom not knowing what they are going to do next. We’ve been there, and it’s tough. We’ve watched friends miss their children as they leave for uni, and then move on to a new era of their lives, while ours seems to carry on as before, but now we have a lost teen who isn’t sure what’s next. If any of you are in this position, you will find a way, and so will they.

Our eldest didn’t go to uni at 18, and took 2 years out. He tried at 20, but it wasn’t for him, and then he went to uni in lockdown and thrived, and now he’s a teacher. I didn’t go to uni til I was 26, and that was the best thing for me at the right time. Had I gone at 18, I wouldn’t have done a course I loved, and I wouldn’t be where I am now.

University isn’t for everyone, either. There are apprenticeships, jobs, training, travel – and there is time to pause and make the right decision.

Not all who go to university live in. Our youngest went to a local uni, and was planning to live in halls and come home regularly, but it quickly became apparent that living away from home wasn’t for him. He commutes from home, he’s saved money and he’s happy – and that’s what matters.

We all develop and grow at different rates. We all have our own path to walk, and we need to let our teens do what’s right for them. It can be hard if we have an empty teen’s room and a quiet house, but it can also be hard if their friends have all moved away and they’re still there. We can feel sad when we have an empty nest, but it can be sad if we feel our young person has been left behind – but they will find their way, and they will be ok, we just need to give them time and listen and sit with them when they want us to.

post 18 support

| skwarepegrowndhole

This is a positive post – but I am aware that not everyone will have had our experience of post 18 support.

First of all, I need to clarify that our youngest has not had an EHCP. I did query this when he got his ASD diagnosis, but we decided not to pursue this for various reasons, although I was a little worried that our decision may become something we regret later.

I was warned when our youngest was in Year 13 and we were pushing for more support in exams that it would be harder for him to get support at university, and that he already had a lot of exam support. The amount of support, to be honest, is irrelevant. Our youngest is very clever and academically able, so the support is there to allow him to fulfil his potential.

The ‘extra’ that we were asking for was a room on his own. During GCSEs and centre assessed grades (CAG), he was in a room with other year 11s who had learning support. He was distracted by them writing, typing, sighing, having rest breaks, finishing before him, scribbling on the paper and tapping on the desk, to name a few. I had to email the then SENCo to ask for the distractions to be taken into account when the papers were marked. I have no idea if this happened, but A-levels were marked by the exam boards, and no dispensation was offered last year. They were back to pre-covid examinations, standards and marking.

When I found out that another learner had been offered a room on their own for their A-levels, I got a little stroppy. I emailed the SENCo several times, to no avail, and then ended up emailing the form tutor, who was the one who told me about universities. To be frank, university access arrangements meant nothing if we didn’t get the right support for these exams because if he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t be going anyway.

More emails were sent, now to the deputy head, and finally a reply from the SENCo, a phone call, and then the room on his own for most exams was agreed. Not quite what I had asked for. Fast forward to the penultimate exam, and the room on his own was disturbed by teens running past the room and disturbing him. Another phone call or two, lots of angry emails, and the final exam went ok.

Even before results day, his first choice of university got in touch and invited him to a SEND day in July. We went (parents invited too), and it was a fabulous, inclusive day. Results day came, and he got the grades he needed.

As I wrote last time (link here), we’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions since September, but the first exam has been and gone – and it was so much smoother than school. He was told by the disability services that his reader would be in touch before the exam, and there would be time to meet up in person or online before the day if needed, but to email and just go through his needs. He didn’t want to meet up, but emailed what he wanted in the exam. He arrived in time, had the room on his own, extra time, coloured paper and a reader/prompt who did exactly as he asked.

We (and I say we as it’s him with us supporting all the way) are only at the end of the first semester, but the support has been outstanding. Lecturers have taken the time to answer questions and make adjustments where possible, getting the right exam support was so much easier than school, and the specialist ASD mentor and study skills mentor have both been amazing.

So far, post 18 support has been everything he wanted, and has been much easier to get than I was expecting – long may it continue!

What happens next….

| skwarepegrowndhole

As SEN parents, so much of our time is taken up with battles – battles with the education system, battles with school, battles with healthcare professionals, with policies, with how to juggle our time, and the biggest battle of all, the ‘should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’ that runs continually in our heads. So what happens when they leave formal education? What happens next?

I think any parent will tell you that parenting does not stop when children reach 16, 18 or 21. We are a parent for life. We worry, and I’m sure when it’s my turn to become a grandparent, I’ll then have children and grandchildren to worry about.

But I think it may be slightly different when you are a SEN parent.

In August, after A-level results were released, we did not have any children in formal education. We had done it, we had steered 2 children through their Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS), all the key stages, GCSEs, vocational qualifications and A-levels. We were done – pass the champagne please, our days of battling are over.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Not a chance.

I should have known, really, as our eldest had issues with his first year on his first degree, and I had to navigate the complexities of him being over 18 but still needing support. Many angry emails and phone calls meant we eventually got problems resolved, but the stress of it all triggered depression and he ended up leaving uni at 20 – but went back in lockdown and graduated in 2022.

Our youngest had a completely different experience, but my role as a battling SEN mum has continued. I had learnt from the earlier battles and so had things in place that would allow me to talk to people if needed.

I’m not going into too much detail here, as he’s still in his first semester, and the university have been incredibly supportive, once we got to the root of the problem. But living in halls triggered all sorts of feelings, so after lots of discussion, he is living at home and commuting – and through witchcraft, stroppy emails and pleading, he’s been released from his halls contract. The course is not as academically stretching as he thought it would be – but he has been assured that it will get harder. Lectures with over 200 other learners after being used to A-level chemistry lessons with 4 other teens where there was lots of discussion, have taken a lot to get used to. There were times when the goal was to make it to the end of the day, then we extended to the end of the week, the month and now the first term. A month of exams, and then he’s done the first semester, with optional modules picked for the second one. After thinking he might not be able to stay until reading week, we’re now pretty sure he’ll make it to the end of year one – and probably beyond.

I don’t think that this is just due to protected characteristics. This is the cohort who sat their GCSEs in classrooms rather than exam halls. When they were supposed to be out socialising, they were wearing masks to go to the supermarket with their parents. When they were supposed to be rebellious, risk taking teens, they were careful not to take risks as they didn’t want to infect elderly relatives. They are the Covid cohort – and this has impacted many of them in so many different ways.

In our family, though, protected characteristics have made things even more difficult, but we’ve got through it. I reduced my hours at work so that I could do pick ups & drop offs (which I have really enjoyed – early morning conversations with my teen when stuck in traffic have been a great start to the day (no sarcasm, I thoroughly enjoy the journeys)), we’ve supported him seeing our GP and looking at ADHD diagnosis this year, we’ve emailed mentors when needed, and have encouraged him to ask for extra help when needed – and, despite the warnings from school – he has been given everything he needed, and more.

I am disappointed for him that he hasn’t had the start of uni that he envisaged, I am sad that living in wasn’t an option in the end, but I am so proud of him for getting to the end of this term, for taking control of his mental health, asking for and seeking help when he needed it, and it’s actually been lovely to still have him living at home. Our eldest moved into his own home & got married earlier in 2023, so it would have been a very empty nest if things had worked out how we all planned.

So, what happens next? It seems it’s more of the same, but with more autonomy for our teen to sort things out himself; in the crazy circus of education, I have gone from the lion tamer to safety net, and that’s exactly how it should be. I will always be here, for both of our children, for as long as I am able, to offer support, words of wisdom and to be their safety net – and I am always up for taming lions if the need arises!