It’s a year and a day since I got my official ADHD diagnosis, and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotion. I did write about my diagnosis, and how it impacted me, so if you want to have a read, click here. However, one year on, I feel it’s time for more reflections.

Knowing I have ADHD has been good in so many ways. My main reason for getting an official diagnosis was so that I could be kinder to myself, and if I knew I was heading towards burn out, or if I was in a situation that was bad for my mental health, walking away wasn’t quitting, it was doing what I needed to do. I also wanted to be able to rest when I needed to, and not feel that a duvet day was a wasted day. Although that has all happened to a degree, after Christmas I had a lightbulb moment. I also have rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) alongside or part of ADHD. I’ll talk about RSD in a moment, but first of all, spend a couple of minutes in my head…..

I hate to get things wrong or to get a low mark. I hold myself to incredibly high standards, to the point where if I think I will fail at something, I will quit. I used to think this was a character flaw. I don’t think I have ever failed an exam, partly because if I do something, I have to do it well, but also because if I start something that I think I won’t do well, I quit. I have nightmares when I am stressed or under pressure, where I haven’t done ‘something’, so I’ve let someone down, or something bad is going to happen – the thing I haven’t done can vary from dream to dream, and the consequence also varies, but the general premise to these ‘OCD’ dreams is that I have made a mistake, and there will be negative consequences. I often wake up in an anxious state, unsure if the thing I didn’t do was in the dream or in real life, and as I fully awaken, I realise it was in the dream, but that anxiety stays with me. If I text or email someone and they don’t reply, I worry I have said or done something wrong or upset them. If friends make plans without me, I’m not jealous, I’m just convinced I’ve upset or offended one or all of them. I replay conversations in my head all the time, wondering how I could have done things differently – and not just recent conversations. There are conversations I had with my children 10+ years ago that I still think could have been better and more supportive on my part.

When it comes to uni work (both now with my doctorate and looking back with my undergrad and masters), I struggle to let people proof read – in case it’s not good enough. I am now at the stage with my thesis that I need to send work to my supervisors, and the work inevitably comes back with corrections and suggestions, but I am scared to send work to them in case they realise I’m not good enough to be on the course, and tell me I have to leave. In my logical brain, I know I’m good enough, I know that to get better at a doctoral level of writing, I need to be given feedback so that I can improve, but in my ADHD/RSD brain I’m not good enough, I’m winging it, and someone is going to find out.

So, what is RSD? I think I’ve given an outline of how RSD gets into my brain with a fear of rejection and failure, but a quick online search gave me this definition:

“Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a term used to describe extreme emotional sensitivity and reactions to rejection in people with ADHD.” (https://www.simplypsychology.org/rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria-adhd.html) I highly recommend taking a look at the website if you think RSD may apply to you or someone you know.

Many may be reading this and thinking: no one likes to fail, we all get disappointed by rejection, we all worry that our work isn’t good enough’, and I agree. However, RSD goes deeper, and it’s intense. I still sometimes replay conversations from when my children were little, or think about things I did or didn’t do – I didn’t go to see an old lady I looked after before she died, and I worry that I let her down. I didn’t take my grandparents to the Heights of Abraham in Matlock before they died (it was on their wish list), so did I let them down, too? I know I didn’t, but that doesn’t stop me wondering. I often feel that I’m not good enough, or that I could have done better, and, conversely, sometimes I think I’m too much and talked too much in a situation.

Or, at least that’s how it used to be. I didn’t want to talk to people about what was going on in my head, as no one else seemed to feel or think what I was thinking, which fed the RSD and made me feel even more ‘not enough’. And then I had the lightbulb moment. I have taught people with RSD, I have read about RSD, and then I realised that all these thoughts and feelings probably meant that I have RSD too. I’m not broken, I just have an incredibly sensitive brain that likes things to be done well, and I hold myself to a very high standard.

Realising that these feelings are linked to ADHD and RSD has not made them go away, but admitting they are there, and what they are, has allowed me to start to take some control. I know that I need to send work off to my supervisors, so when this blog is finished, I’m going to make a coffee and write – I have set myself the goal of between 500 & 1000 words, but it’s quality over quantity, and even if I ‘only’ write 300, I’m still going to send it across this afternoon.

There are plus sides to RSD, though – it’s not all doom and gloom. Holding myself to high standards means that I do push myself and strive to do better & be better. I am a sensitive and intuitive person – this means that I can often see when others are struggling and can offer help if needed. I also ‘get’ things before others do, and this means I can be a good team player.

Although striving for perfection is tiring, going the extra mile can get results, but I’ve come to realise that it’s all about balance, and that being aware of how RSD can have negative impacts on how I feel. Now I know that the narrative that I’m not enough or that I need to do better is just one possible train of thought, I am starting to change track and rewrite that narrative.

ADHD and RSD often go hand in hand, and out of all my traits, I think RSD is the one that has had the most control. Now I know it’s there, I am taking back control and admitting and facing my fears of failure.