Greta Thunberg has made headlines many times already in 2019, and for good reasons. She is a 16 year old who is still at school, and she has made a stand against the inaction of countries and global companies to acknowledge and strive to stop climate change. She is an articulate person, and has a very important message for us all. She is also autistic. This has been mentioned time and time again, and not necessarily in a positive way, especially in some of the daily newspapers.

In the book Neurotribes, Steve Silberman argues that neurodiversity is needed to drive society forward, to change things and to make sure that we evolve. Square pegs are seen throughout history, people like Da Vinci, Newton, Einstein and more recently Jobs, Gates and Temple Grandin. Some of these people may have had diagnosed conditions, but others were just square pegs who pushed the boundaries of what was accepted, and took things in the direction they wanted to go. Many of these didn’t listen when people said no.

More and more research is now backing up the amazing potential that square pegs have. This article describes very accurately the advantages that ADHD can give – but obviously it can cause people lots of problems too, especially as society expects us to conform more and more. The way the autistic brain can help businesses develop and move forward is also being acknowledged (link here). A big meta-analysis (Gyamathy, 2009) also highlights the potential our skware pegs have – but only if they are nurtured and taught in a way that helps them grow and learn, and they need to be accepted.

And this really does happen – for those of you who are parents of strong willed children, skware pegs and teens – think about this. Our eldest son (ADHD & Dyselxia) has asked why, why not, but what if, I’ve been thinking, can we try….since he could talk. He has also disagreed with us, told us no. He has fought against us, school, uni and work when he believed that he was right and other things were wrong. He has been ‘challenging’ at times, and still is, occasionally. BUT…..

He is 22, he saw things weren’t working in the village. He believed that the people in charge were doing things wrong. He asked why, why not and couldn’t we just….? He disagreed, he said no and he did something about it. Last week in the local elections, at 22 he became a District Councillor. At 22 he has beaten an established labour councillor. At 22 he saw something that was broken, and he has put himself forward to try to fix things. At 22 he challenged the establishment.

When you are arguing with your teen, teach them right from wrong, but encourage that free spirit. Encourage that amazing mind that can make a difference. Encourage free thought and discussions. Encourage them to follow their own path and to walk to their own beat & rhythm. Encourage them to soar above you & make a difference!

Square pegs can, and will, change the world, but we have to give them every opportunity to believe in themselves and make it happen!

References:

Davis, H (2019) How thinking differently about autism is helping businesses perform better The Telegraph ( www.telegraph.co.uk)

Gyarmathy, E (2009) “Neurologically Based Achievement Difficulties and/or Autism Spectrum in the Talent Development.” Pszichológia,

Silberman, S (2015) Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and How to Think Smarter About People Who Think Differently Allen & Unwin, London.

White, M (2019) The Creativity of ADHD Scientific American (www.scientificamerican.com)

Let me introduce you to two friends. Laura is 42, her birthday is in February, she has blonde hair and brown eyes and is blood group B+. Marie is also 42, February birthday, blonde hair and brown eyes and is blood group B+. The similarities don’t end there – they are both middle siblings, they both have Maths degrees and are both now working for the same company, in the same department. John also works in that department, and it was his birthday last week. He invited everyone out for drinks at lunchtime, so Laura and Marie went too. John ordered bacon butties and a drink for everyone and had phoned to pre-order to save time as their boss is strict with lunch break timings.

At the pub, he gave everyone their buttie, but there was a problem. Laura is gluten intolerant and a vegetarian, so couldn’t eat the food. John was shocked, as he had popped out for lunch the week before with Marie, and she had really liked the bacon buttie. Laura tried to explain that she wasn’t like Marie, and she wasn’t being difficult, but just could not eat the sandwich. John was shocked. Laura was the same age, same gender, same birth month and even the same blood group as Marie. That should mean that she likes the same food and be able to eat the same things as Marie. It didn’t make sense that she couldn’t physiologically eat gluten, and that she chose not to eat meat. It wasn’t right. If one blonde, 42 year old B+ woman could eat bread & bacon, then surely everyone ‘like that’ could…….

Obviously these are fictional characters, and this hasn’t happened, but people with learning barriers, hidden disabilities, with some health conditions face scenarios like this all the time. They hear phrases like ‘it can’t be that bad as my friend has fibromyalgia and they work full time and travel all round Europe’ or ‘my friend’s son has ASD, and CBD oil has cured them’ or ‘that isn’t a symptom of ADD’ or ‘are you sure you’re depressed?’ and so the list goes on.

Most of these phrases are from well-meaning people. They give advice because they think they are helping, but more often than not, unsolicited advice that starts with phrases such as ‘are you sure’ or ‘my friend’ or ‘have you tried’ isn’t very helpful. At times it can even be hurtful or upsetting. Most of the time we are sure, we have tried, and much as we wish your friend well, it’s unlikely she or he is in the same situation as us. The same goes for holistic therapies – they are amazing but they need to be used alongside conventional treatment where needed. Sometimes they don’t work, sometimes they are like a holy grail that makes sleep happen, or makes someone concentrate. But just because your friend’s hairdresser’s brother’s sister in law used Vetiver Oil and CBD to almost eliminate fibromyalgia or ‘cure’ dyslexia, doesn’t mean it will work for us – and it doesn’t mean that we will necessarily try it!

This has turned into a negative rant, but that’s not how I meant it to be. My point is that we are all, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical, different and unique. We need to share advice and ideas, but we need to do it without judging, even if that judgement is unconsciously done. We need to celebrate our differences and support each other instead of comparing and criticising. We need to respect that every child has their own strengths and weaknesses, and that even two people like Laura and Marie are likely to have some similarities and a lot more differences.

My child with ASD is my child with ASD. He will do things that others do and he will also do things that are unique to him. He will be different to other children with ASD because he isn’t them. The way the condition affects him even day to day can differ. Just because he went into a cafe last week doesn’t mean he will be able to cope with it this week. The same goes for any child, whether they are a skware peg or not. They are all different, they are all special and all unique. We need to encourage such diversity and encourage our children & ourselves to embrace it when we see it in others.

The main problem with a late Easter, is that is makes the spring term so long (for teachers and for students). The Autumn term seems to go on forever, but the spring term doesn’t usually feel as bad, but here I am, typing away while watching the clock count down to hometime. As we are close to three counties, some schools broke up last week, we break up today, and some other schools break up next Thursday or Friday.

Ahead of us are two weeks of lazier mornings, days out, baking, camera shopping (ARGH!!), me juggling work and him enjoying the lack of school but also stressing at the lack of routine. I’ve tried to stop this before it starts by asking him what he wants to do, but I bet if you asked any teen, not just s skware peg, the answer would be ‘I don’t know’. Same to who do you want to see, is there anywhere you’d really like to go, and do you want to go anywhere for breakfast/lunch/dinner on any of the days?

I do have things planned – we will have day trips to local cities, we are going to meet up with friends, we are going to go camera shopping (savings being used as he wants one of his own for GCSE Art), and we are going to have duvet days watching trash TV with the dog sitting with us. We are also going to go on bike rides, go swimming and get outside as much as possible. We ought to spend some time revising for the school tests that are a week or two into the new term, but we probably won’t do much of that at all!

The most important thing we are going to do is listen to our bodies and our minds. If we end up having more duvet days than bike rides, that’s fine. If the junk food outweighs the healthy options next week, who cares? During the next 2.5 weeks (back on Easter Tuesday) we are going to practice the pause, we are going to breathe, we are going to take it easy, and, I hope, we are going to smile!

Events over recent weeks have made it clear that how we interact with our children (be they skware pegs or neurptypical) and the way we interact with others, shapes the way our children interact with people in their world. This has nothing to do with being a single parent, working full time, having a nanny or being a stay at home parent – this is all about how we, or how the people who look after our children, treat them, talk to them and how they treat other people.

A prime example of this is how adults respect people around them. Take a parent whose child plays a sport at weekends. Their child is a goalie in the local football team. The team is OK, they win some matches, they lose others. Some children want to be professionals, others are there because they just enjoy the sport, and then there are some who are there because their parents wanted to be pro footballers. Think of the parent who wanted to be a pro footballer. This parent stands on the sidelines and criticises the other team members, and thinks they’re not good enough to play on the same team as their child. They think the only reason the opposition scored more goals is because the defence was rubbish. They also think the coaches don’t know what they’re doing because the team has lost matches this season – the coaches are parents too who have put themselves through the necessary training, and they volunteer their time for training sessions, matches and club meetings. The trouble is that the child has heard all the moaning and disrespectful talk, and is now picking on other team members and moaning about the coaches too. The child is becoming a disrespectful bully because that’s the behaviour they have seen in their parent. Even if the child had the potential to be the player the parent wants them to be, their lack of respect to other team members and coaches means that the likelihood of them becoming a professional player gets less and less.

However, the child that turns up every week, listens to the coaches, supports the other team members probably won’t become a pro player either (because the number who do is tiny), but they learn how to be a team player, they see how being respectful is important, and they learn how to earn respect from other team members and the coaches. They are learning life skills that will help them for the next 70+ years.

We need to look at how we are with our children. We need to listen to their questions and queries, however small and insignificant they may seem at the time. We need to show them that our love is not conditional on A grades (or 9s in the new system), or being picked for the school team, or the choir or having the lead part in the school play. They need to learn from us that all that matters is that they do their best on that day. We aren’t perfect all the time, and we must stop our children feeling they have to be. We are also allowed to have bad days, or sad days, or days where just being is hard work.

We also need to look at how we react to people around us – do we let a car pull out in front of us, do we put away our phones when someone is serving us (at the supermarket, cafe or anywhere), do we put away our phones when our children talk to us? Do we say please and thank you? Do we offer to take a trolley back for an older customer? Do we try to make the world a nicer place? If we don’t, our children probably won’t either.

We just need to be aware of what we are doing, as our children won’t always do what we say, but they will usually do what we do.

I am definitely guilty of looking at other people’s lives (as portrayed on Social Media more than their real lives) and feeling feelings. This may be out and out jealousy of holidays, cars, lifestyle choices, which is incredibly silly as I am actually the kind of person who likes to see others achieve and be happy, but on a bad day, that green-eyed monster has a field day in my head, and then I end up feeling cross with myself for being so reactive. I feel bad for being jealous, and I still feel a little bit down that we are at home still recovering financially from Christmas (or whatever) while others are basking on exotic beaches (and then the cycle starts again). But, I think most people do this from time to time, if they are honest with themselves.

A more dangerous form of comparing that I do is looking at other people, or reading other people’s stories, and think that they have a life that is much harder than mine, so I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed/down/that I am struggling. I also hear myself saying things like ‘I know so many people have it much worse than we do but……’, or ‘I know that the boys don’t have A, B or C but…..’ and then I feel guilty that I’m having a bad week. I share so many memes about hidden disabilities, additional needs, ASD and ADHD and then I almost dismiss hidden disabilities when I am having a tough week, and I berate myself for not coping more.

The thing is, we are all allowed to have tough weeks. We are all allowed to feel overwhelmed with 21st Century life, whether we are single, married, parents, parents of children with disabilities or whatever. It really doesn’t matter that this week Roberta and her daughters are having an amazing week, all that matters is that you aren’t. It doesn’t matter that Roberta works full time, is a single parent to two children with physical disabilities, and that they have all managed to get to the top of Ben Nevis this weekend (but well done Roberta!) – if you are having a tough time, you are having a tough time, and you need to ask for help if you need it. You also need to allow yourself to have a tough time, to struggle and to work your way through it without comparing yourself to others. That’s part of the reason why I started writing this blog, so that other people can share our highs and lows, and see that we are all on this strange roller coaster called life. We need to stop looking at others through rose tinted glasses, and allow ourselves to feel whatever feelings our own roller coaster brings us.

Today, as mentioned in the earlier post, we were going to see the da Vinci exhibition at Millennium Galleries in Sheffield. I saw lots of amazing sketches by da Vinci – real, original sketches, not prints or copies – and I was quite overwhelmed by the realisation of what I was looking at. He saw a noisy museum and lots & lots of people. I saw iconic pictures, he saw buggies and toddlers and parents and older people and people in the way and people blocking doorways. I heard people talking about the pictures, he heard unbearable noise. We still looked round the exhibition, and also looked at the other exhibitions in the gallery, and then we left.

We went to the cafe, but that was too noisy as well, and I felt I had to mention that he was autistic and was there anywhere quieter, but there wasn’t. We then asked at the help desk if there were any cafes close by that might be quieter, and when the man gave us a quizzical look, I had to explain why again. We found the cafe which was lovely, just what we needed, and then as we still had time to kill before heading home, we went to the National Videogame Museum (also in Sheffield), and as we went in, the noise hit us, and we had to leave, but before we did, I asked if they had autism hours – mentioned ‘it’ again! Now, none of this matters, and it’s nothing to be ashamed or worried about but this was the first time I felt compelled to ask or explain.

Still with time to kill (meeting eldest as he finished college) we ended up buying safe food from Gregg’s, and then finding a quiet platform at Sheffield Station to eat, drink and people watch until it was time to go (and if you’re ever in a similar situation, the benches between platforms 8a and 8b are just next to a cafe and aren’t busy at all!).

No rugby tonight as he’s teetering at tipping point for a shutdown, so lots of hugs, the weighted blanked it out, and we’re watching trash tv. We’ve talked about the day, and he does remember the pictures and not just the people, and he remembers all the things we saw in the other exhibitions, so it wasn’t a wasted trip at all – and we saw sketches and pictures by Leonardo da Vinci!

It’s been a strange few weeks. The youngest has had exams and has had to choose GCSE options (how can my baby be this old), and the eldest has settled well into a new job which, when you have ADHD isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Apart from that, life carries on. We keep watching for triggers when we’re out, and we do all we can at home to make like as easy as possible for all of us, but it is a rollercoaster of trivial things that can make or break a day.

Our youngest is very sensitive to tastes and smells, so he tends to eat a lot of beige food with fruit thrown in for a bit of healthy eating – and I think this is a teenage thing as well as an ASD thing. Most teens would live on beige, bland food that is 95% carbohydrate, with a token amount of protein and fruit/veg. I think this is partly because they need the energy to grow, but also so much is changing in their lives, with their bodies and in their heads, that comforting, safe food is a stable thing for them. Anyway, I digress…..

On Sunday he woke up, didn’t want to go to rugby but was persuaded – partly because the team was short of players this week as it was the beginning of half term so some were away, and partly because all he had done on Saturday was get washed and changed into clean PJs and then had slothed all day watching trash TV (which was fine as it was the first day of half term). We get to the club, and he was asked to play in a completely new position (for those of you who know rugby, he’s normally 2nd row or on the flank, on Sunday he was fullback), and he played the best he’s played for weeks, got lots of compliments and left the club smiling!

We then went to a local farm shop for dinner, vegetables and to raid their deli counter for lunch. There was a lovely smell when we walked in because there was a local producer giving away samples of a hand made curry mix. J asked me to try some, and I did, and then (brace yourselves here) he asked to try some. THIS HAD ONIONS AND PEPPERS IN. He didn’t just sniff and lick it like he normally would, he put the covered naan bread in his mouth AND ATE IT!!!!!!!! And then, he tried the other sauce! To any parent of a picky eater, this is like finding gold at the end of a rainbow. Suffice to day, we bought a jar of the sauce and had it for dinner last night (and he still ate it).

But, ASD being what it is, the rollercoaster took a downward trajectory yesterday. We went to The Tropical Butterfly House near Sheffield as they now have a male sloth living in the butterfly house, and Mum and I wanted to go & see it. We paid to get in (not cheap, but not too bad if you were going to spend a few hours there), and then as we walked through the entrance, I could feel the anxiety building. There were people. There was noise. There were toddlers running round. It was half term, so this was to be expected. We went into the butterfly house, and saw the sloth, but it was even noisier in there, so we didn’t look at the sloth for very long. We came outside and there are lots of other animals there, so we started looking at these. The people were an issue still, but looking at the animals were fine. However, they have plastic dinosaurs at random places round the outside area. Cue ranting about how we don’t know what they sounded like, some had feathers not scales, and why were they here?

It got worse…..there is an animal walk through area where they have agoutis and wallabies and you can get up close if the animals want to come near – great idea and a good set up. At the back of this enclosure was another dinosaur….and a cave man. The anger that we got from this was huge. It was bad for education, there were no dinosaurs living with cave men and women, anthropologists have shown that the skull and neck anatomy of Neanderthals has the space for a voice box like ours so they could probably do more than just grunt…….and so it carried on. It was not a good trip, and we were done within about 40 minutes.

I persuaded him to stay for a drink, so at least the anxiety and anger weren’t the last feelings he had there, and he was quite cheerful on the way home, and we didn’t have a meltdown.

Today we are off to an art gallery to look at paintings by Leonardo de Vinci. Fingers crossed there are no plastic dinosaurs there……….

Studies have shown that teenage brains are a little bit like butterfly pupae, in that neurons re-route and go from caterpillar brains to butterfly brains (to continue the analogy) and so although their brains do not turn into mush like an actual pupa, they do go through ‘funny phases’ that, along with hormones, body changes and hair appearing, turns them into very strange beings for a few years.

Whether your teen began their puberty years as a skware peg is irrelevant, because all (?most?) teens become skware pegs as they find out who they are. They are supposed to rebel against us, to push boundaries and to be general pains as they are re-forming neural pathways and becoming the adults they want to be.  The problems come because they often don’t know who they want to be.  Society and school put pressure on them to conform, to grow up, to have a job and a career, to be all sorted in terms of GCSEs, A-levels, degree and career  by the time they are at the end of year 9 at the latest. At 14 they are supposed to have the next 50+ years all sorted out. The thing is, I’m in my 40s and I don’t have the next 5 years all sorted out, and I am a functioning grown up with GCSEs, A-levels, two degrees and several different careers under my belt – and that’s fine!

We (society not parents) put enormous pressure on our teens. 

We expect them to turn up at school 5 days a week when they probably aren’t enjoying it, and they know they have to stay in some kind of school until they are 16, and have to stay in some kind of training until they are 18.  When I have had a job I didn’t enjoy, I looked for something else and I left. Our teens can’t do that.

We expect them to be able to manage their time online, to juggle homework, revision, a social life and to be nice to their families when needed, and yet I know I spend far too much time checking emails and being on Facebook in the evening.  I also moan when work spills into the evening and I end up working late – but yet they have a day at school and then have to do homework, coursework as well as talking to friends and bowing down to social pressures by playing online.

We expect them not to be moody or grumpy, and yet their bodies are changing shape growing hair where hair has never grown before, their voices are changing, body parts developing and hormones are flooding their bodies and they need to get used to these new feelings, urges and changes.  It’s no wonder they get moody or grumpy – and the hormones add to this.

So, what’s the answer? I think the answer is to give them our time and acceptance.  To listen to what we may feel is insignificant problems but to them is the end of the world.  Having gone through this once already, I definitely feel that teens need parents at the end of the phone or waiting at home much more than toddlers do.  I found it easier to work more hours when the children were little, and my working life is interrupted lots more now – and it’s very hard to stay patient when you get an ‘urgent’ phone call about something that’s lost, or something that has been said or a teacher threatening detention, but it matters to them. Therefore we mutter ‘ffs’ under our breath, and we listen without (too much) judgement.

We also need to deal with moods. To help with our youngest’s moods, low weeks and anxieties, we came up with the idea of having mood parrots that travel with us – I think I may have mentioned this before, and it’s an idea that was approved by a clinical psychologist. If we have a bad, low, worried, angry, pissed off, tired or whatever mood, we say we have a worried (for example) parrot on our shoulder.  That parrot can stay there until it is ready to fly away – we don’t feed it but we don’t ignore it either, it just stays with us until it is ready to fly away.  We started out using this to help him, but we use it too now.  We don’t have to be happy all the time, but society makes us think that we do.  The parrots come & go, we talk about them and we acknowledge how they may make us feel – and it has made a big difference to us, but it might not work for everyone.

I really feel that if we are to have a better world, we need to encourage our children to be brave enough to be skware pegs, if that’s where their soul takes them.  They need to be able to break free of the moulds that society tries to put on them, and we need to be brave enough to weather the storm, and then let to them fly!