I have written extensively about mental health before, and how mental health is health. And I’ve written about how parents advocate for our children until they they are old enough to advocate for themselves. Today’s blog links both of those.

I just need to point out that I have permission to share this story.

My last two posts have been about settling in at uni, and post 18 help, so I won’t waffle on about that again, but because uni hasn’t been great, our youngest decided that he needed a little more help than we could offer.

I phoned our GP practice back in November, and they saw our son that day. The GP was incredible supportive, and referred him to the mental health nurse. I went in with him to see the GP, but he chose to go in to see the mental health nurse on his own. He messaged me when he came out to say it had been ok, and they discussed ADHD testing, medication and talking therapy. He wanted the ADHD testing, thought talking therapy was a good idea, but wanted to try therapy before considering meds. All good, and he was taking control and I didn’t need to advocate.

The next appointment with the nurse was just after Christmas, and they discussed therapies again and he booked an appointment. The nurse also send off the ADHD referral – but that has a waiting time of up to 8 months.

The first therapy session was this week. I drove him to the appointment, as neither of us knew how he would feel afterwards. I went with him to the centre, and waited with him. I took work with me to do while I waited, but I was there as a safety net, just in case he needed me to go in.

He didn’t.

He came out quite upbeat, he liked the therapist and they have a plan. He will always be autistic (because this is a way of being, not an illness to be cured), he will always be anxious (because that’s just how he is), and he will always overthink things (see previous parenthesis), and the therapist agreed and the plan has nothing to do with any of this. The plan is to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help him cope with university and day to day life a little easier, with strategies to manage anxieties when they get a little too much. He’s back in 2 weeks, he has homework, and he will be having between 4 & 8 sessions.

This is exactly how things should be. His mental health isn’t brilliant at the moment, so he saw the GP, she referred him to the practice specialist, who then referred him to talking therapies. He didn’t go to the closest place as they have a long waiting list, he said yes to a cancellation because it meant he was seen quicker, and he turned down online group sessions as he feels they wouldn’t be for him. Perfect.

Too many adults hide their mental health issues because there is still a stigma about mental illness. I know parents who have kept their children’s mental health issues a secret, and got cross when I asked how their children were doing in front of other people.

Mental health is health. Mental illness is illness. We need to look after our heads as they control everything else in our bodies.

I am grateful that I had permission to write about this, and I am pleased that our advocating about mental wellness and how much it matters is no longer needed.

I had an interesting online conversation on social media yesterday – and it shocked me. I had commented about being self diagnosed ADHD and having some ASD traits, and the man asked me if I could drop the ‘disorder’ from now on. I was puzzled, I hadn’t said disorder, I am an inclusive person, I know that neurodivergence is a way of being, not something wrong. But I had. ASD is autistic spectrum DISORDER, and ADHD is attention deficit and hyperactivity DISORDER. Same with OCD, ODD and many other neurodivergencies.

According to the online Cambridge dictionary (link here) disorder in the UK means:

• a state of untidiness or lack of organisation
• an illness of the mind or body
• an angry, possibly violent, expression of not being happy or satisfied about something, especially about a political matter, by a crowd of people

Well, as I type, my room is a little untidy (actually very untidy), but I am an organised person. Everything that needs to get done will get done on time, I just have many projects going on at once, so the chaos you see is actually my organising, and it makes sense to me.

ADHD and autism are not illnesses. They do not need a cure. They are just a way of being. I am typing on a Windows laptop, and my eldest son uses a Mac. Does his Mac have an illness because it works a bit differently to mine? I have an iPhone, my mum has an android. Do either of those have illnesses or disorders? No, just different systems that are compatible with each other – we text and talk on our mobiles all the time!

I no longer say my children have autism, as this implies it’s something that can be taken away. I say they are autistic, which is a way of being. What is the equivalent for ADHD? Let’s start with the fact that ADHD is just wrong. It’s not attention deficit, it’s attention overload, so from now on I will call it attention overload and hyperactivity ?, so AOH? . The reason why my room & work area is so messy is because I have lots of things going on at once that all demand my attention. I also get easily distracted by other things that need to be done – half way through this paragraph I noticed I had an email that I checked and came back here via a quick look at an online sale, but I’m back here, and this blog post will get finished. However, in an emergency or a tense situation this can be a gift, as I can see all the things that need to be done, and I will make sure they are all done in time. Like many nuerodivergencies, AOH? is not a disorder, and it’s not a problem to the person who has it. It’s the way society (education, work, health, shopping and life in general) reacts that’s the main problem. The AOH? person or the autistic person does not have a disorder, they just live in a society that expects conformity and ‘normalness’ and is incredibly ableist.

Which, I suppose, is why we have ‘disorder’ in these ways of being. Anything different is seen as not normal, and brings a lack of order to a preconceived idea of who things should be. I have been researching witch trials for an English project for work, and 300 years ago, anyone who was a little different (left handed, a single woman, people who did things their way) was accused of being a witch, so a lack of acceptance is nothing new, but the ND community is still shunned. They still face a lack of acceptance, are taught coping mechanisms in education, are expected to adapt their needs for everyone else. There aren’t witch trials any more, thank goodness, but we are a long way from an equitable society. The next step towards this is to drop the disorder.

Hello, I’m Emma and I have a superpower.

At the moment we are living in limbo – as are many parents up and down the country. GCSEs, A-levels T-levels and BTECs are now a memory, but the results, and the next step that they lead to, are still at least 4 weeks away.

We are living in a strange juxtaposition of wanting to get ready for uni, for trips to IKEA, for planning but not quite wanting to take that leap until after results day – and even those who are not superstitious at all must feel the same.

We are dealing with lots of sighs, pacing and half conversations. The University of Sheffield have been amazing, and their ASD induction day (it had a better name but I can’t remember what it was) on the 7^th July was inspiring. Their DDSS department have been incredibly supportive, and everything is in place for September…..but then that almost makes the waiting worse. We, as parents, know that there will be more support than there was at school. Our son knows that everything he needs should be there from day one. We even know where his room will be……and yet, until the 17^th August, we can’t commit.

I understand why there is a wait between exams and results day. They have to be marked, checked, marked again (if needed). Results have to be inputted into software, then different exam boards compared. Grade boundaries need to be agreed and fair – all students should have an equal chance of the higher grades regardless of whether their English Language was an Edexcel, AQA, OCR or whatever paper. And for us, the wait is 3 weeks shorter than some who finished their exams & assessments before May half term – but even if you took the final A-level, it’s a 7.5 week wait. GCSE results are a week later, so there is at least a 9 week wait between the last exam and the results.

You have to feel for the 2023 cohorts too. These are the first exams that aim to get back to pre-Covid levels, with no dispensation or help. The 2023 A-level cohort didn’t take GCSEs in 2021, they ‘just’ relied on centre assessed grades. The 2023 GCSE cohort had disrupted lessons in years 8 and 9 – the foundation of GCSE learning.  I know that sooner or later the plan was for everything to return to normal, but in my opinion, this was year too soon. These 16, 17 and 18 year olds had too much disruption to expect them to sit formal exams without a thought of the impact of Covid. When the National Tutoring Program is still supporting learners and helping them bridge gaps in learning in lockdowns, why should our teenagers have to sit exams without extra help?

I suppose the only good thing is that none of them escaped lockdowns and the impact this had on their education, so they are on a level playing field. And I hope that what they have been through over the last 3 years will make them more determined to enjoy whatever opportunities results day offer them, and if it’s not quite where they want to go at the moment, I hope they find somewhere that makes their souls happy.

But until then, we wait…….

It’s here again – the start of GCSE/A-level/Vocational exams. I hate this time of year. It is unnecessary stress on our young people, and even though we know that whatever August may bring things will end up ok, it’s doesn’t feel like that when you’re the person sitting the exams.

I didn’t do that well in my GCSEs & A-levels, and I went on to do a degree as a mature student, then I did my PGCE, then a Masters and now I’m studying for a doctorate, but in August 1990 when my predicted As at A-level were Ds and an E, I couldn’t see past the grades. My husband only got 1 A-level, went to college through clearing and he’s a successful Programme Manager. Our eldest did badly in GCSEs and AS levels, and he graduated last summer, is starting his PGCE in September and is looking at Masters degrees after that – but go back to 10 years ago and he saw himself as a failure.

So what do we do between now and August? How can we support our teens over the next few months? That depends on your situation and your teen, but I’ll outline what we’re going to do.

First of all, even though I have no doubt that our teen is capable of, and is on track to get the high grades he needs to get to his university of choice, we have formulated a back up plan, just in case. We’ve had this in place since he started his A-levels. If the he doesn’t get the grades, he’s retaking in November, working for a year and reapplying for September 2024. I don’t think he’ll need this, but he knows that if things don’t go his way, it’s not the end of the world.

Secondly, we’ve let him lead what he needs to do. He is very different to our eldest who couldn’t & wouldn’t revise for a variety of reasons. We are lucky that our youngest is focused, on it, and knows what he needs to do to get the grades he wants. We steer, we enquire, we make sure that the study area is clear and ready for him, and then we stand back and let him do what he needs to do.

We have conversations, and we let him rant over the smallest things. I know what he feels are his strengths and weaknesses, and I know what he thinks he still needs to do with 2.5 weeks to go. We talk – we’ve always talked. We are a strong unit, and we all support each other. This weekend, I’m at uni from Friday to Sunday. I’m at home every evening, but I will leave early and come home late and they will all support me, so it’s not just us supporting our teen, we all support each other.

Nutrition is also important – which isn’t always that easy when you have an autistic teen with sensory issues! Every morning he is having beige carbs supplemented with bio yoghurt and fruit coulis. Lunch is at school, and then our evening meal is, generally, home cooked food and we always have the right variety of apple in the house. Oh, and I have promised to have a supply of ice-creams and cakes or brownies in until the exams are over.

He knows that whatever August may bring, our love and support for him is unconditional. He knows that we trust him, and we believe in him, but we also know that exams can bring curve balls, so we’re here to support him. We have been honest about where things went wrong for us, and how we’ve done OK.

And that’s it – that’s how we’re coping with exam season, and so far, so good. But what works for us won’t necessarily work for you. The things that we have put in place may make things worse in your house. I do think it’s important that you have support too – you need your tribe or your person. And I think that you need to remember that whatever August may bring, it will be ok. We need to remember that so we don’t put extra pressure on our teens. Whatever happens, the sun still rises and the world still turns.

I recently had a very positive conversation with a work colleague. He asked me how we have such an active relationship with our children, and how we’ve maintained that through the turbulent teen years, and into adulthood.

This made me reflect and think – we have not been & are not perfect parents, but we have always tried to do the right thing, even when we have ended up doing the wrong thing. I think we often did the right thing, but in the wrong way. When this happened, we would admit we got it wrong, and we would apologise – reasons 1 & 2 right there. Try to do the right thing (1) but when it goes wrong, admit it and apologise (2).

We both took the best bits from our own parents – who are fab grandparents, and we added our own things. Reason 3 – listen & watch others, but ultimately parent in a way that’s right for you.

Reason 4 – we parented the children we had, not the ones we were expecting. I think if I had had neurotypical children, I would have been a pushy mum. I would have wanted the best for them, but done it all wrong. Instead, I had to help them do everything when it was right for them. They also both have different interests to us (I’ve written about this before), so we didn’t force them to play or watch football or spend years horse riding; we learnt about rugby & trampolining, and now strong man, instead.

Reason 5 is that we’ve been honest with them. We have praised their strengths, but also helped them to accept things that were hard, difficult or not right for them. They are both dyslexic, so they are highly unlikely to win spelling bee competitions. We’ve also answered every question they asked as honestly and as age appropriately as we could. We admit when we are wrong, we don’t lie, and we try to be the people we would like them to be. We chat to the waiting staff in cafes, we tip well, we hold open doors for people, we show respect when respect is due. We have tried to model ‘do as we do’.

That saying, we have also encouraged them to be their own people and have their own opinions (reason 6). This has made life difficult at times, for example when a 4 year old comes to you with all the reasons you might say no to an activity counter argued already so you end up saying yes, but it also means that they are strong, well rounded adults, They can think or believe anything, as long as they can justify that. As long as it’s ‘I think…..because…’ that’s ok with us. We’ve also encouraged them to have an interest in current affairs, politics and the environment, but, again, they don’t have to agree with us.

Reason 7 – they can tell us ANYTHING. We might pull a face, we might not be pleased initially, but they can tell us absolutely anything and if they or a friend is in trouble, we will do whatever we can to help – even if that’s picking them up, drunk, on a Saturday night because they missed their lift home. We are, and always will be, their safe place. Always.

Reason 8 – and this is the big one (!!!). We let them choose their own ice creams. Yep, that’s the big one. One of my first full time jobs was at a local tourist attraction, and so many parents would not let their children have a big ice cream (Magnum, Cornetto etc) and only let them have a small ice lolly, but then would buy themselves a big one! That always struck me as very, very unfair. When I was little, my favourite ice creams were a Midnight Mint (dark chocolate choc-ice with a white minty ice cream centre) or a Nobbly Bobbly (still like both of those now), or a 99 cornet. I can’t ever remember my parents saying no to these. If we were having an ice cream treat, we could all choose whatever we wanted. I assume if money was tight, we wouldn’t have been offered one. We all had similar ice creams, which made us all feel equal. It sounds a bit silly in some ways, but my final bit of parenting advice is that if you have a big ice cream, buy a big ice cream for them too, it’s only fair!

I don’t think there will ever be a time when I don’t advocate for people with protected characteristic, hidden disabilities or just those who are struggling – but especially for my children.

Our eldest was a parish and district councillor, but the environment was bad for his mental health. It is not an inclusive environment, and any one who thinks outside the box struggles – our son is not the only one who has had these problems. He tried, but ended up stepping down from both roles before the next elections.  We are now in the midst of campaigns for the May elections, and a comment has been made on a prospective councillor’s leaflet that is detrimental to my son, so we have complained to the local political party, and to the council itself.  As my husband eloquently put it, if our son had a physical disability that had prevented him from attending meetings, would the same comments been made? Probably not.

At the moment I am also in the middle of a conversation about equality in education for our youngest. I am not going to write much about that at the moment, but there has been a opportunity at school that has not been offered to our youngest, probably because of English grades, but he is dyslexic. If this is the case, it is against the Equality Act, and so I am finding out more.

Are either of these really worth my time when our eldest has no desire to be a local politician any more, and when our youngest only has a term left at school?

Yes, absolutely. I am not just advocating and battling for them, I am battling for all those who come after them.

We live in an unfair world. There are groups of people who do not get equal opportunities. There are groups of people in this country who face daily injustice because of the colour of their skin, where they live, their gender, their sexual orientation, their upbringing and so many other factors that I, as a middle class white woman, cannot even begin to imagine. There are also people with SENs, hidden disabilities and mental health issues and I can try very hard to make a difference to their lives, however small.

 A hundred years ago, women were fighting for the right to vote. 55 years ago, homosexuality was decriminalised (although there is still a huge amount of homophobia and discrimination). 40 years ago, women were fighting for equality in employment (and they still are).  In 2010 the Equality Act combined 116 different acts or pieces of legislation to “provide Britain with a discrimination law which protects individuals from unfair treatment and promotes a fair and more equal society.”  (Equality and Human Rights Commission).

Has there been much change over the last 13 years? To be honest, I don’t think so, not for square pegs at least. In some ways, in education, things have got worse. Alternative Provision numbers have increased, exclusions have increased, and the number of children with mental health needs has increased, although the pandemic had a huge impact on mental health.

So what can I do about it? I keep advocating, I keep fighting, I keep battling. I do this for my children, even though they are adults, and I do this for the children at school, for the adults struggling in the workplace or in society. I do this for the next generation in the hope that they won’t face as many battles, and I do this in memory of those who came before.

I keep doing everything I can to try and make this world a little fairer for those who still face inequality, discrimination and bigotry. I advocate because I can, and because I need to.

To parents of year 13s, we are half way through the Easter holidays, and in just over 11 weeks (or earlier), our babies will have finished formal education. We can see the finish line, but we must remember that this is their race, not ours.

Our teenagers are about to start the most stressful & final term of their school years. Ours were the ones who piloted the new SPaG SATS in 2016, the majority of their GCSE curriculum was taught online, and then the exams were on, then they were off, then they were going to be assessed by the exam boards & then they weren’t. They have had an absolute shitstorm of a time in education, and yet over the next 11 weeks they will take exams that are back to ‘normal’ – be that A-levels, AS levels, BTECs, T-quals or other.

Whatever August brings them when they open their envelope, check online, get an email from their uni of choice, they have done incredibly well just to still be in education. We need to keep our expectations in check.

If August doesn’t bring the results they want, the world will still turn, and it is our job to help them pause, breathe and decide what’s next. But we need to take that pressure off them right now.

As I said above, it is not our race. We are just the spectators, the supporters, the bringers of juice, chocolate and revision snacks. We need to be there for them, cheering them on, but we need to make sure we don’t add to the pressure. There is often a fine line between helping and pushing, between assisting and being overbearing. It is a fine line that’s easy to miss – and I have missed far too often – but we must stay the parent side, unless we are invited over.

We also nee to remember that our teenagers are absolute superstars. They have been through things our generation can’t begin to imagine. They have learnt resilience, determination, and how to cope with global disasters. When they were just 15, their world changed forever, and they spent over 2 years in and out of lockdowns and with restrictions on their lives. Some will have lost loved ones, some will have seen their parents and carers struggle mentally and financially. Some will have felt their lives change forever.

They are all amazing individuals, and we need to let them know that we have their backs, that they have our unconditional support & love. We need to bend and move heaven and earth to give them what they need over the next few weeks. We need to put down our phones and check in with them every day, and not expect much more than a grunt in return. We need to read body language, we need to pull them back from burn out or support them if they need our help. My deal is that there will always be ice cream in the freezer and easy peel oranges in the fruit bowl!

These 17 and 18 year olds really are the future. They are the ones who will shape the world that we will grow old in. It is up to us to help them with whatever they need between now and the end of June. We need to listen, not push and be there. For the next 11 weeks, our needs have to take a back seat, our egos have to take a back seat. The next 11 weeks is just about them.

Thank you for reading.

Today is International Women’s Day. I am old enough to remember a time when women were not allowed to join the Navy (I remember a school careers fair in the mid 1980s when we could have the Navy there as women were now allowed to join, but not go on ships). I remember when women’s sport was not televised, or indeed recognised as proper sport in the media. Unless you were a gymnast. Throughout my half century on this planet, I have seen changes in the way women are treated, and I have seen huge breakthroughs.

However, as much as things may change, too many have stayed the same. There is not equality (yet). Just last summer I went to a DIY chain to look at paint. I was told about the colours, my son was told about the durability and how to clean the brushes and more ‘technical’ aspects. He was 17. He only came along for the ride.

Our sons (now adults) stand up for women, they shout down misogyny and they fight for equality. I chose to work part time when our eldest was born, so they could have seen this as the norm, but they don’t. They see a women’s right to choose to be have a career, a family or both. Our youngest has come home this evening saying how a peer wrote a comment about how today was the only woman’s day. Even when things like this are said in jest, it’s a derogatory comment, and adds fuel to the fire.

As readers of the blog may know, I have started a part time doctorate. My elderly grandmother was very pleased when I told her that I had got onto the course, and she then told me that ‘I was so lucky to have a husband who would let me do it’. Thing is, she has a point! I didn’t need permission to do the course and my husband & children encouraged me to apply, but I know there are still some people my age who would not have the support of their partner to pick up the slack when they are studying. An older male relative asked if I would be calling ‘Doctor Salt’ when I graduate – I wonder if he would have asked the same thing to a man?

As I type, my grandmother, in her 90s, is in hospital very ill. Although she has lived a long life, it hasn’t always been happy, and I really wish I could have made it better for her. She wanted to stay on at school and study to work as a speech therapist, but she had to leave to go to secretarial college. She got married very young, and my grandfather was a banker before he became a vicar – and in the late 1940s and early 1950s, banker’s wives didn’t work, so she couldn’t have a career then either. I look at the opportunities I have had compared to hers, and I know how lucky I am. But I also know that there is still work to be done.

Look at clothes for boys and girls, for example, and you still see boys as superheroes and girls as princesses.  It is getting a little better, but it’s not good enough. Think, as well, about the comments that feed toxic masculinity: man up, big boys don’t cry, don’t be a girl etc. They feed the stereotype that men are strong and tough, and women are not as well as putting pressure on men to conform to the societal stereotype as well.

As I reflect on my 51^st International Women’s Day, I can see so many positive changes that have happened in my lifetime. However, I can also see how much still needs to be done, and with groups such as Incels on the rise and the likes of Andrew Tait, as well as what is happening in some states in the US, I can see how easy it would be to slip back.

Even with all the changes that have happened, it still feels like we live in a male dominated world, and so my wish on International Women’s Day, is that in my lifetime, women won’t feel like square pegs living in a round hole society any more.