Author: skwarepegrowndhole

And now it’s my turn.

| skwarepegrowndhole

I advocate for people, I tell parents how a diagnosis is a lens not a label and it allows children to be seen and understood. I tell them that the ADHD/ASD is always there, it’s just a diagnosis opens a door to understanding and help. And yet when it came to me….

I self diagnosed with ADHD several years ago – part of the reason why we didn’t look for an ADHD/ASD diagnosis when our children were young as we didn’t really see anything different about how they behaved or learned. They may have been a little more intense than we were as children, but the things I used to do (pluck quilts, draw on anything, take things to bits, climb anything and I was a rubbish sleeper) and to some extent still do (although I’ve only ever plucked on feather quilt) were pretty much what our children did.

So why only self diagnosis? Maybe because ADHD wasn’t a thing when I was growing up, especially not for girls. Looking back at my school reports that frequently talked about how good I was in the classroom but how my homework and written work didn’t quite match, and how I could be argumentative and was good at debates, or thinking about how I used to be dared to distract the English teacher on Friday afternoons in 6th form so we could have a discussion rather than a lesson, it’s clear that the signs were there at school as well as at home.

But it just wasn’t a thing – and I did well in education. I passed all my GCSEs and A-levels, even if my grades were not as good as predicted. I then decided not to go to university at 18, and several jobs before getting married and then having our eldest. I went to uni as a mature student with a toddler who didn’t sleep, a husband who worked long hours, a night sitting care job 2 nights a week and an hour commute to university. Spinning plates is a understatement, but my hyperfocused mind just did what it needed to do, and I graduated top of my class.

When I started teaching, I taught whatever I was asked to teach, and I was good at it – I’m still in contact with so many students (hello if you’re reading this), and I did my teacher training while I was teaching (which is common in colleges). I then started a part time Masters degree while teaching and co-running a business and now with a toddler and a 10 year old, neither of whom slept. Spinning more plates, but I did it, and came top of my class again.

The more I have to do, the more I thrive. Today I am a curriculum lead in a small special school, I blog, I have written & self published my first book, and am now working on a book proposal to traditionally publish my second. I live on a small holding and my husband and I are setting up a brewery. We still have our family IT business and I do the accounts for that. Our youngest is struggling with uni life so I am on tram transport 2 or 3 days a week. And on top of all that, I’m doing a self funded part time doctorate. Spinning plates – again!

So what gives? Well, I’m messy. Our house is never spotless, and is often verging on feral. I have so many unfinished books and crafting projects (because I need to have a hobby on top of everything else) and sometimes – probably much more often that I think – I am grumpy and moody.

So, yeah. Self diagnosed ADHD, but I say it almost as a joke.

Not any more. A couple of weeks ago, after helping our youngest fill out his form/test for ADHD referral, I decided to take the test myself. On the ADHD Self Report Scale (ASRS v1.1) Symptom Checklist there are 18 questions. I answered honestly, and I ticked 17 out of the 18 boxes.

I decided self diagnosis wasn’t enough but I know that our GPs our incredibly busy, and I didn’t want to take up an appointment, so I emailed saying that I thought I might be ADHD, and could I maybe talk to someone about the possibility of maybe getting a referral. I tried to make it as ‘sorry to bother you and don’t worry if I can’t’ kind of language.

A text came back within an hour offering me an appointment with the mental health nurse. I felt a huge weight start to lift off my shoulders. Unfortunately the first appointment was cancelled because the nurse was ill. I had the phone call at work, and I cried on the way home. That weight of spinning plates was pressing on my shoulders again. I only had to wait 2 weeks for the new appointment, but it felt like I was going to be waiting for ages.

I had my appointment last night, and yes, I am going to be referred for ADHD diagnosis. When I was talking to the nurse, I said (without thinking) that I wanted a diagnosis so that I could be kinder to myself, and that’s the main reason why I am now on the waiting list. I need to be kinder to myself. I have an amazing brain that does amazing things and is excellent at spinning plates, but I don’t see the mess on the floor, and I have just remembered as I type that there’s a washing machine full of washing that was supposed to go on the line this morning before I left the house. Oops. I am also brilliant at choosing and writing cards, but then finding them weeks later unposted. I start craft projects all the time and if I don’t finish them before I get bored, I just leave them and start something new.

But it’s ok. It’s how I’m wired. And now I have finally taken my own advice, I have made that call, and I am on the waiting list.

Now it’s my turn.

When Anxiety Comes Knocking

| skwarepegrowndhole

Nobody chooses to have anxiety. I’m not talking about that anxious feeling you might get before flying or before an exam. Instead, I mean general anxiety, where you overthink most things and live in a state of heightened angst and awareness most of the time.

Our youngest is back at uni tomorrow. He has mixed feelings. He’s looking forward to a more ‘him’ mix of modules this semester, but he’s also very anxious because it’s a new timetable, new lectures, possible new lecturers and, unlike many of his peers, he’s at uni 5 days a week.

Because uni has been harder than any of us anticipated, he has taken steps to keep his anxiety under control, and as I wrote last week, he has been to see the GP, mental health nurse and then therapist, and CBT will continue this coming week.

What we all need to remember, is that anxiety is not a choice. Like depression and other mental health issues, anxiety is not something you can change with a positive mental attitude or by simply stopping worrying. And anxiety can cause ripples that make other things less bearable.

If I am anxious, I get more jumpy, more stressed and my eating patterns change (either increasing or decreasing). I also get palpitations, and I sometimes get IBS symptoms. Anxiety causes an increase in cortisol, and our bodies go into fight, flight or freeze mode. Anxiety is a throw back to our hunter gatherer ancestors. Going into survival mode when predator was close, or when you travelled to a new area where there may be unknown dangers meant you were more likely to survive. Going into survival mode because there is a stressor you cannot control in the 21st Century means that our busy modern lives may be impacted.

There are lots of things we can do when we feel anxious. Being outside, going for walks, and being near animals may help, as can yoga, controlled breathing, mindfulness, grounding and similar activities. I find playing loud music and screaming (or swearing) really loud whilst driving in the middle of nowhere very cathartic and it definitely helps to relieve short term anxiety and stress, but it’s not something my vocal chords could manage on a daily basis!

So, what do we do when anxiety comes calling? If possible, we remove the stressor(s), but this is not always possible. We use different techniques and activities, we talk to health care professionals, we take medication (if appropriate or advised) and we take each day at a time. We also need to be honest and talk to people we trust about what’s going on. As I wrote last week, mental health is health, and we need to talk more about how we are feeling. I write in my book (available here) about how we need a tribe, a circle of friends – or even just one or two people – who we can turn to and who will listen.

As the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved. Talking to someone you trust really can make a huge difference. If there isn’t anyone you can talk to, then you can contact your GP, you can self refer to talking therapy services through the NHS, and you can talk to the Samaritans, the NHS Crisis line, and other organisations. The list below is listed directly from the MIND website – link here – but remember anxiety can affect any of us, and you don’t need to be alone.

Urgent mental health helpline

England

If you live in England, you can call a local NHS urgent mental health helpline for support during a mental health crisis. Anyone can call these helplines, at any time.

These helplines offer similar support to a crisis team. The NHS website has more information on urgent mental health helplines, including how to find your local helpline.

Wales

In Wales, you can contact NHS 111 and select option 2. This will put you through to an NHS helpline offering 24/7 urgent mental health support. Visit the NHS 111 Wales website to find out more about this service.

Taking Control With Mental Health

| skwarepegrowndhole

I have written extensively about mental health before, and how mental health is health. And I’ve written about how parents advocate for our children until they they are old enough to advocate for themselves. Today’s blog links both of those.

I just need to point out that I have permission to share this story.

My last two posts have been about settling in at uni, and post 18 help, so I won’t waffle on about that again, but because uni hasn’t been great, our youngest decided that he needed a little more help than we could offer.

I phoned our GP practice back in November, and they saw our son that day. The GP was incredible supportive, and referred him to the mental health nurse. I went in with him to see the GP, but he chose to go in to see the mental health nurse on his own. He messaged me when he came out to say it had been ok, and they discussed ADHD testing, medication and talking therapy. He wanted the ADHD testing, thought talking therapy was a good idea, but wanted to try therapy before considering meds. All good, and he was taking control and I didn’t need to advocate.

The next appointment with the nurse was just after Christmas, and they discussed therapies again and he booked an appointment. The nurse also send off the ADHD referral – but that has a waiting time of up to 8 months.

The first therapy session was this week. I drove him to the appointment, as neither of us knew how he would feel afterwards. I went with him to the centre, and waited with him. I took work with me to do while I waited, but I was there as a safety net, just in case he needed me to go in.

He didn’t.

He came out quite upbeat, he liked the therapist and they have a plan. He will always be autistic (because this is a way of being, not an illness to be cured), he will always be anxious (because that’s just how he is), and he will always overthink things (see previous parenthesis), and the therapist agreed and the plan has nothing to do with any of this. The plan is to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help him cope with university and day to day life a little easier, with strategies to manage anxieties when they get a little too much. He’s back in 2 weeks, he has homework, and he will be having between 4 & 8 sessions.

This is exactly how things should be. His mental health isn’t brilliant at the moment, so he saw the GP, she referred him to the practice specialist, who then referred him to talking therapies. He didn’t go to the closest place as they have a long waiting list, he said yes to a cancellation because it meant he was seen quicker, and he turned down online group sessions as he feels they wouldn’t be for him. Perfect.

Too many adults hide their mental health issues because there is still a stigma about mental illness. I know parents who have kept their children’s mental health issues a secret, and got cross when I asked how their children were doing in front of other people.

Mental health is health. Mental illness is illness. We need to look after our heads as they control everything else in our bodies.

I am grateful that I had permission to write about this, and I am pleased that our advocating about mental wellness and how much it matters is no longer needed.

post 18 support

| skwarepegrowndhole

This is a positive post – but I am aware that not everyone will have had our experience of post 18 support.

First of all, I need to clarify that our youngest has not had an EHCP. I did query this when he got his ASD diagnosis, but we decided not to pursue this for various reasons, although I was a little worried that our decision may become something we regret later.

I was warned when our youngest was in Year 13 and we were pushing for more support in exams that it would be harder for him to get support at university, and that he already had a lot of exam support. The amount of support, to be honest, is irrelevant. Our youngest is very clever and academically able, so the support is there to allow him to fulfil his potential.

The ‘extra’ that we were asking for was a room on his own. During GCSEs and centre assessed grades (CAG), he was in a room with other year 11s who had learning support. He was distracted by them writing, typing, sighing, having rest breaks, finishing before him, scribbling on the paper and tapping on the desk, to name a few. I had to email the then SENCo to ask for the distractions to be taken into account when the papers were marked. I have no idea if this happened, but A-levels were marked by the exam boards, and no dispensation was offered last year. They were back to pre-covid examinations, standards and marking.

When I found out that another learner had been offered a room on their own for their A-levels, I got a little stroppy. I emailed the SENCo several times, to no avail, and then ended up emailing the form tutor, who was the one who told me about universities. To be frank, university access arrangements meant nothing if we didn’t get the right support for these exams because if he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t be going anyway.

More emails were sent, now to the deputy head, and finally a reply from the SENCo, a phone call, and then the room on his own for most exams was agreed. Not quite what I had asked for. Fast forward to the penultimate exam, and the room on his own was disturbed by teens running past the room and disturbing him. Another phone call or two, lots of angry emails, and the final exam went ok.

Even before results day, his first choice of university got in touch and invited him to a SEND day in July. We went (parents invited too), and it was a fabulous, inclusive day. Results day came, and he got the grades he needed.

As I wrote last time (link here), we’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions since September, but the first exam has been and gone – and it was so much smoother than school. He was told by the disability services that his reader would be in touch before the exam, and there would be time to meet up in person or online before the day if needed, but to email and just go through his needs. He didn’t want to meet up, but emailed what he wanted in the exam. He arrived in time, had the room on his own, extra time, coloured paper and a reader/prompt who did exactly as he asked.

We (and I say we as it’s him with us supporting all the way) are only at the end of the first semester, but the support has been outstanding. Lecturers have taken the time to answer questions and make adjustments where possible, getting the right exam support was so much easier than school, and the specialist ASD mentor and study skills mentor have both been amazing.

So far, post 18 support has been everything he wanted, and has been much easier to get than I was expecting – long may it continue!

What happens next….

| skwarepegrowndhole

As SEN parents, so much of our time is taken up with battles – battles with the education system, battles with school, battles with healthcare professionals, with policies, with how to juggle our time, and the biggest battle of all, the ‘should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’ that runs continually in our heads. So what happens when they leave formal education? What happens next?

I think any parent will tell you that parenting does not stop when children reach 16, 18 or 21. We are a parent for life. We worry, and I’m sure when it’s my turn to become a grandparent, I’ll then have children and grandchildren to worry about.

But I think it may be slightly different when you are a SEN parent.

In August, after A-level results were released, we did not have any children in formal education. We had done it, we had steered 2 children through their Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS), all the key stages, GCSEs, vocational qualifications and A-levels. We were done – pass the champagne please, our days of battling are over.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Not a chance.

I should have known, really, as our eldest had issues with his first year on his first degree, and I had to navigate the complexities of him being over 18 but still needing support. Many angry emails and phone calls meant we eventually got problems resolved, but the stress of it all triggered depression and he ended up leaving uni at 20 – but went back in lockdown and graduated in 2022.

Our youngest had a completely different experience, but my role as a battling SEN mum has continued. I had learnt from the earlier battles and so had things in place that would allow me to talk to people if needed.

I’m not going into too much detail here, as he’s still in his first semester, and the university have been incredibly supportive, once we got to the root of the problem. But living in halls triggered all sorts of feelings, so after lots of discussion, he is living at home and commuting – and through witchcraft, stroppy emails and pleading, he’s been released from his halls contract. The course is not as academically stretching as he thought it would be – but he has been assured that it will get harder. Lectures with over 200 other learners after being used to A-level chemistry lessons with 4 other teens where there was lots of discussion, have taken a lot to get used to. There were times when the goal was to make it to the end of the day, then we extended to the end of the week, the month and now the first term. A month of exams, and then he’s done the first semester, with optional modules picked for the second one. After thinking he might not be able to stay until reading week, we’re now pretty sure he’ll make it to the end of year one – and probably beyond.

I don’t think that this is just due to protected characteristics. This is the cohort who sat their GCSEs in classrooms rather than exam halls. When they were supposed to be out socialising, they were wearing masks to go to the supermarket with their parents. When they were supposed to be rebellious, risk taking teens, they were careful not to take risks as they didn’t want to infect elderly relatives. They are the Covid cohort – and this has impacted many of them in so many different ways.

In our family, though, protected characteristics have made things even more difficult, but we’ve got through it. I reduced my hours at work so that I could do pick ups & drop offs (which I have really enjoyed – early morning conversations with my teen when stuck in traffic have been a great start to the day (no sarcasm, I thoroughly enjoy the journeys)), we’ve supported him seeing our GP and looking at ADHD diagnosis this year, we’ve emailed mentors when needed, and have encouraged him to ask for extra help when needed – and, despite the warnings from school – he has been given everything he needed, and more.

I am disappointed for him that he hasn’t had the start of uni that he envisaged, I am sad that living in wasn’t an option in the end, but I am so proud of him for getting to the end of this term, for taking control of his mental health, asking for and seeking help when he needed it, and it’s actually been lovely to still have him living at home. Our eldest moved into his own home & got married earlier in 2023, so it would have been a very empty nest if things had worked out how we all planned.

So, what happens next? It seems it’s more of the same, but with more autonomy for our teen to sort things out himself; in the crazy circus of education, I have gone from the lion tamer to safety net, and that’s exactly how it should be. I will always be here, for both of our children, for as long as I am able, to offer support, words of wisdom and to be their safety net – and I am always up for taming lions if the need arises!

time to Drop the ‘disorder’

| skwarepegrowndhole

I had an interesting online conversation on social media yesterday – and it shocked me. I had commented about being self diagnosed ADHD and having some ASD traits, and the man asked me if I could drop the ‘disorder’ from now on. I was puzzled, I hadn’t said disorder, I am an inclusive person, I know that neurodivergence is a way of being, not something wrong. But I had. ASD is autistic spectrum DISORDER, and ADHD is attention deficit and hyperactivity DISORDER. Same with OCD, ODD and many other neurodivergencies.

According to the online Cambridge dictionary (link here) disorder in the UK means:

  • a state of untidiness or lack of organisation
  • an illness of the mind or body
  • an angry, possibly violent, expression of not being happy or satisfied about something, especially about a political matter, by a crowd of people

Well, as I type, my room is a little untidy (actually very untidy), but I am an organised person. Everything that needs to get done will get done on time, I just have many projects going on at once, so the chaos you see is actually my organising, and it makes sense to me.

ADHD and autism are not illnesses. They do not need a cure. They are just a way of being. I am typing on a Windows laptop, and my eldest son uses a Mac. Does his Mac have an illness because it works a bit differently to mine? I have an iPhone, my mum has an android. Do either of those have illnesses or disorders? No, just different systems that are compatible with each other – we text and talk on our mobiles all the time!

I no longer say my children have autism, as this implies it’s something that can be taken away. I say they are autistic, which is a way of being. What is the equivalent for ADHD? Let’s start with the fact that ADHD is just wrong. It’s not attention deficit, it’s attention overload, so from now on I will call it attention overload and hyperactivity ?, so AOH? . The reason why my room & work area is so messy is because I have lots of things going on at once that all demand my attention. I also get easily distracted by other things that need to be done – half way through this paragraph I noticed I had an email that I checked and came back here via a quick look at an online sale, but I’m back here, and this blog post will get finished. However, in an emergency or a tense situation this can be a gift, as I can see all the things that need to be done, and I will make sure they are all done in time. Like many nuerodivergencies, AOH? is not a disorder, and it’s not a problem to the person who has it. It’s the way society (education, work, health, shopping and life in general) reacts that’s the main problem. The AOH? person or the autistic person does not have a disorder, they just live in a society that expects conformity and ‘normalness’ and is incredibly ableist.

Which, I suppose, is why we have ‘disorder’ in these ways of being. Anything different is seen as not normal, and brings a lack of order to a preconceived idea of who things should be. I have been researching witch trials for an English project for work, and 300 years ago, anyone who was a little different (left handed, a single woman, people who did things their way) was accused of being a witch, so a lack of acceptance is nothing new, but the ND community is still shunned. They still face a lack of acceptance, are taught coping mechanisms in education, are expected to adapt their needs for everyone else. There aren’t witch trials any more, thank goodness, but we are a long way from an equitable society. The next step towards this is to drop the disorder.

Hello, I’m Emma and I have a superpower.

Waiting

| skwarepegrowndhole

At the moment we are living in limbo – as are many parents up and down the country. GCSEs, A-levels T-levels and BTECs are now a memory, but the results, and the next step that they lead to, are still at least 4 weeks away.

We are living in a strange juxtaposition of wanting to get ready for uni, for trips to IKEA, for planning but not quite wanting to take that leap until after results day – and even those who are not superstitious at all must feel the same.

We are dealing with lots of sighs, pacing and half conversations. The University of Sheffield have been amazing, and their ASD induction day (it had a better name but I can’t remember what it was) on the 7th July was inspiring. Their DDSS department have been incredibly supportive, and everything is in place for September…..but then that almost makes the waiting worse. We, as parents, know that there will be more support than there was at school. Our son knows that everything he needs should be there from day one. We even know where his room will be……and yet, until the 17th August, we can’t commit.

I understand why there is a wait between exams and results day. They have to be marked, checked, marked again (if needed). Results have to be inputted into software, then different exam boards compared. Grade boundaries need to be agreed and fair – all students should have an equal chance of the higher grades regardless of whether their English Language was an Edexcel, AQA, OCR or whatever paper. And for us, the wait is 3 weeks shorter than some who finished their exams & assessments before May half term – but even if you took the final A-level, it’s a 7.5 week wait. GCSE results are a week later, so there is at least a 9 week wait between the last exam and the results.

You have to feel for the 2023 cohorts too. These are the first exams that aim to get back to pre-Covid levels, with no dispensation or help. The 2023 A-level cohort didn’t take GCSEs in 2021, they ‘just’ relied on centre assessed grades. The 2023 GCSE cohort had disrupted lessons in years 8 and 9 – the foundation of GCSE learning.  I know that sooner or later the plan was for everything to return to normal, but in my opinion, this was year too soon. These 16, 17 and 18 year olds had too much disruption to expect them to sit formal exams without a thought of the impact of Covid. When the National Tutoring Program is still supporting learners and helping them bridge gaps in learning in lockdowns, why should our teenagers have to sit exams without extra help?

I suppose the only good thing is that none of them escaped lockdowns and the impact this had on their education, so they are on a level playing field. And I hope that what they have been through over the last 3 years will make them more determined to enjoy whatever opportunities results day offer them, and if it’s not quite where they want to go at the moment, I hope they find somewhere that makes their souls happy.

But until then, we wait…….

Exam Season

| skwarepegrowndhole

It’s here again – the start of GCSE/A-level/Vocational exams. I hate this time of year. It is unnecessary stress on our young people, and even though we know that whatever August may bring things will end up ok, it’s doesn’t feel like that when you’re the person sitting the exams.

I didn’t do that well in my GCSEs & A-levels, and I went on to do a degree as a mature student, then I did my PGCE, then a Masters and now I’m studying for a doctorate, but in August 1990 when my predicted As at A-level were Ds and an E, I couldn’t see past the grades. My husband only got 1 A-level, went to college through clearing and he’s a successful Programme Manager. Our eldest did badly in GCSEs and AS levels, and he graduated last summer, is starting his PGCE in September and is looking at Masters degrees after that – but go back to 10 years ago and he saw himself as a failure.

So what do we do between now and August? How can we support our teens over the next few months? That depends on your situation and your teen, but I’ll outline what we’re going to do.

First of all, even though I have no doubt that our teen is capable of, and is on track to get the high grades he needs to get to his university of choice, we have formulated a back up plan, just in case. We’ve had this in place since he started his A-levels. If the he doesn’t get the grades, he’s retaking in November, working for a year and reapplying for September 2024. I don’t think he’ll need this, but he knows that if things don’t go his way, it’s not the end of the world.

Secondly, we’ve let him lead what he needs to do. He is very different to our eldest who couldn’t & wouldn’t revise for a variety of reasons. We are lucky that our youngest is focused, on it, and knows what he needs to do to get the grades he wants. We steer, we enquire, we make sure that the study area is clear and ready for him, and then we stand back and let him do what he needs to do.

We have conversations, and we let him rant over the smallest things. I know what he feels are his strengths and weaknesses, and I know what he thinks he still needs to do with 2.5 weeks to go. We talk – we’ve always talked. We are a strong unit, and we all support each other. This weekend, I’m at uni from Friday to Sunday. I’m at home every evening, but I will leave early and come home late and they will all support me, so it’s not just us supporting our teen, we all support each other.

Nutrition is also important – which isn’t always that easy when you have an autistic teen with sensory issues! Every morning he is having beige carbs supplemented with bio yoghurt and fruit coulis. Lunch is at school, and then our evening meal is, generally, home cooked food and we always have the right variety of apple in the house. Oh, and I have promised to have a supply of ice-creams and cakes or brownies in until the exams are over.

He knows that whatever August may bring, our love and support for him is unconditional. He knows that we trust him, and we believe in him, but we also know that exams can bring curve balls, so we’re here to support him. We have been honest about where things went wrong for us, and how we’ve done OK.

And that’s it – that’s how we’re coping with exam season, and so far, so good. But what works for us won’t necessarily work for you. The things that we have put in place may make things worse in your house. I do think it’s important that you have support too – you need your tribe or your person. And I think that you need to remember that whatever August may bring, it will be ok. We need to remember that so we don’t put extra pressure on our teens. Whatever happens, the sun still rises and the world still turns.

Buy the Big Ice Cream

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I recently had a very positive conversation with a work colleague. He asked me how we have such an active relationship with our children, and how we’ve maintained that through the turbulent teen years, and into adulthood.

This made me reflect and think – we have not been & are not perfect parents, but we have always tried to do the right thing, even when we have ended up doing the wrong thing. I think we often did the right thing, but in the wrong way. When this happened, we would admit we got it wrong, and we would apologise – reasons 1 & 2 right there. Try to do the right thing (1) but when it goes wrong, admit it and apologise (2).

We both took the best bits from our own parents – who are fab grandparents, and we added our own things. Reason 3 – listen & watch others, but ultimately parent in a way that’s right for you.

Reason 4 – we parented the children we had, not the ones we were expecting. I think if I had had neurotypical children, I would have been a pushy mum. I would have wanted the best for them, but done it all wrong. Instead, I had to help them do everything when it was right for them. They also both have different interests to us (I’ve written about this before), so we didn’t force them to play or watch football or spend years horse riding; we learnt about rugby & trampolining, and now strong man, instead.

Reason 5 is that we’ve been honest with them. We have praised their strengths, but also helped them to accept things that were hard, difficult or not right for them. They are both dyslexic, so they are highly unlikely to win spelling bee competitions. We’ve also answered every question they asked as honestly and as age appropriately as we could. We admit when we are wrong, we don’t lie, and we try to be the people we would like them to be. We chat to the waiting staff in cafes, we tip well, we hold open doors for people, we show respect when respect is due. We have tried to model ‘do as we do’.

That saying, we have also encouraged them to be their own people and have their own opinions (reason 6). This has made life difficult at times, for example when a 4 year old comes to you with all the reasons you might say no to an activity counter argued already so you end up saying yes, but it also means that they are strong, well rounded adults, They can think or believe anything, as long as they can justify that. As long as it’s ‘I think…..because…’ that’s ok with us. We’ve also encouraged them to have an interest in current affairs, politics and the environment, but, again, they don’t have to agree with us.

Reason 7 – they can tell us ANYTHING. We might pull a face, we might not be pleased initially, but they can tell us absolutely anything and if they or a friend is in trouble, we will do whatever we can to help – even if that’s picking them up, drunk, on a Saturday night because they missed their lift home. We are, and always will be, their safe place. Always.

Reason 8 – and this is the big one (!!!). We let them choose their own ice creams. Yep, that’s the big one. One of my first full time jobs was at a local tourist attraction, and so many parents would not let their children have a big ice cream (Magnum, Cornetto etc) and only let them have a small ice lolly, but then would buy themselves a big one! That always struck me as very, very unfair. When I was little, my favourite ice creams were a Midnight Mint (dark chocolate choc-ice with a white minty ice cream centre) or a Nobbly Bobbly (still like both of those now), or a 99 cornet. I can’t ever remember my parents saying no to these. If we were having an ice cream treat, we could all choose whatever we wanted. I assume if money was tight, we wouldn’t have been offered one. We all had similar ice creams, which made us all feel equal. It sounds a bit silly in some ways, but my final bit of parenting advice is that if you have a big ice cream, buy a big ice cream for them too, it’s only fair!