I was reflecting on parenthood earlier this week while walking the dogs (which I find far more meditative and mindful than meditation), and I was thinking how odd it can be when you are looking at your children’s behaviour and not seeing anything abnormal or odd as they behave exactly like you used to.

In my book (if you’d like a copy, it’s available here) I talk about what is normal, and how everyone has a different idea of what normal should be. That saying, when health visitors or other professionals ask you questions about your child’s development and you think that not sleeping through the night, or having attachment needs is normal because that’s how you and your siblings were signs or traits can be missed. We definitely missed signs of ADHD because our children behaved like we did.

There have been numerous studies that show autism and ADHD have a genetic origin (despite what is being claimed by some in the US). We are not in the middle of an epidemic, they are not caused by vaccinations, nor ‘bad’ parenting, or gluten or anything else that you may read in the papers. There is trauma-based behaviour that can mimic ADHD and ASD, but neurodivergent conditions are caused by genes.

So, if it’s a genetic ‘thing’, it will often run in families. There can be chance mutations that cause these, but often it’s a family thing. There is a suggestion that this is one of the reasons why there has been a huge increase in adults, especially adult women, getting diagnosed; it’s when their children go through assessments that they get the lightbulb moment and see so many similarities between themselves and their children, that they decide to get assessed. There are memes on social media saying when a child is diagnosed, maybe the parents should be offered an assessment as well. That’s probably not a bad idea.

You may be reading this thinking ‘there’s nobody in my family with ADHD/ASD/Dyslexia. What a load of rubbish’, and that may be the case. It may be a chance mutation that has led to neurodivergence in your children. But can I ask that you look a little closer. Is there a relative who was thought of as a little odd, or who was very flamboyant, speaking with their hands all the time, who was always taking things to bits and fixing them again, or who wanted time on their own when they came home from work? Or maybe one with a rigid schedule, who couldn’t eat a certain food? I think as we look back with our eyes opened to the possibility of it being a family thing, and we look again with an acknowledgement that these conditions have always been here, they just didn’t have a name that we start to see the patterns in our ancestors.

And also, be kind to yourself. It’s so easy to reflect with self blame – was it the occasional wine I drank, was it the soft cheese, was it this, was it that.

No, it wasn’t anything you did. It’s all in the genes.