I recently had a very positive conversation with a work colleague. He asked me how we have such an active relationship with our children, and how we’ve maintained that through the turbulent teen years, and into adulthood.

This made me reflect and think – we have not been & are not perfect parents, but we have always tried to do the right thing, even when we have ended up doing the wrong thing. I think we often did the right thing, but in the wrong way. When this happened, we would admit we got it wrong, and we would apologise – reasons 1 & 2 right there. Try to do the right thing (1) but when it goes wrong, admit it and apologise (2).

We both took the best bits from our own parents – who are fab grandparents, and we added our own things. Reason 3 – listen & watch others, but ultimately parent in a way that’s right for you.

Reason 4 – we parented the children we had, not the ones we were expecting. I think if I had had neurotypical children, I would have been a pushy mum. I would have wanted the best for them, but done it all wrong. Instead, I had to help them do everything when it was right for them. They also both have different interests to us (I’ve written about this before), so we didn’t force them to play or watch football or spend years horse riding; we learnt about rugby & trampolining, and now strong man, instead.

Reason 5 is that we’ve been honest with them. We have praised their strengths, but also helped them to accept things that were hard, difficult or not right for them. They are both dyslexic, so they are highly unlikely to win spelling bee competitions. We’ve also answered every question they asked as honestly and as age appropriately as we could. We admit when we are wrong, we don’t lie, and we try to be the people we would like them to be. We chat to the waiting staff in cafes, we tip well, we hold open doors for people, we show respect when respect is due. We have tried to model ‘do as we do’.

That saying, we have also encouraged them to be their own people and have their own opinions (reason 6). This has made life difficult at times, for example when a 4 year old comes to you with all the reasons you might say no to an activity counter argued already so you end up saying yes, but it also means that they are strong, well rounded adults, They can think or believe anything, as long as they can justify that. As long as it’s ‘I think…..because…’ that’s ok with us. We’ve also encouraged them to have an interest in current affairs, politics and the environment, but, again, they don’t have to agree with us.

Reason 7 – they can tell us ANYTHING. We might pull a face, we might not be pleased initially, but they can tell us absolutely anything and if they or a friend is in trouble, we will do whatever we can to help – even if that’s picking them up, drunk, on a Saturday night because they missed their lift home. We are, and always will be, their safe place. Always.

Reason 8 – and this is the big one (!!!). We let them choose their own ice creams. Yep, that’s the big one. One of my first full time jobs was at a local tourist attraction, and so many parents would not let their children have a big ice cream (Magnum, Cornetto etc) and only let them have a small ice lolly, but then would buy themselves a big one! That always struck me as very, very unfair. When I was little, my favourite ice creams were a Midnight Mint (dark chocolate choc-ice with a white minty ice cream centre) or a Nobbly Bobbly (still like both of those now), or a 99 cornet. I can’t ever remember my parents saying no to these. If we were having an ice cream treat, we could all choose whatever we wanted. I assume if money was tight, we wouldn’t have been offered one. We all had similar ice creams, which made us all feel equal. It sounds a bit silly in some ways, but my final bit of parenting advice is that if you have a big ice cream, buy a big ice cream for them too, it’s only fair!