At the moment I am trying to write the ‘Skware peg’ book – it will be much more than the ramblings on here, and at the moment I’m doing lots of research, looking at peer reviewed journal articles so I can write a mix of what’s happened to us as a family and current theoretical thinking.

Anyway, I digress. Part of my research has been to talk to the skware pegs that I know to ask them what they wish their parents, wider family, carers and teachers knew. Some of it was what I expected (treat them as individuals, don’t think you know what they’re going through, adapt what you teach so that they can learn), but interesting answers came from our children.

I have blogged (& blogged) about their highs and lows, so if you’re not familiar with what they’ve gone through, grab a cuppa and scroll through my previous posts. However, having watched them go through what they’ve gone through, what they wanted people to understand wasn’t quite what I had expected them to say.

Our eldest wished people were more patient, and would see beyond their perception of his behaviour – at work, in education and at home (gulp!). He explained that people interpret his behaviour (or lack of action) as a negative thing, where actually it’s not that he hasn’t done something, just that he hasn’t done it yet. An example of this would be my nagging him to tidy his room. I am messy, but his messy on a good day is like my messy on a bad day, cue my nagging to tidy, him saying he will and then me getting cross a few days later when it hasn’t been done.

His point is that he hadn’t ignored my request, he just hadn’t got round to it because he had been focused on something else. At school he was told off for not finishing a task or not doing as he had been told. For him this was a similar situation. Either the task was too big for him to know where to start, or he just hadn’t got round to finishing it. At home, at school & there have been examples from work, he was told off for not doing what had been asked. From his point of view, either there hadn’t been a clear timescale given, or he had been distracted by hyperfocus in another area. I am trying to be better at giving requests now, and will give clear, specific instructions. I may say ‘by 5pm I need a bag of rubbish and a small bag of recycling out of your room’ which is much easier for him to follow than a vague ‘tidy your room’.

Our youngest wants people to stop underestimating him or thinking he’s naïve. He might be quiet for much of the time, he might not go out very much, but he is very aware of the world around him. He is incredibly savvy when it comes to local, national and international politics. He has very strong views (fully researched) and likes to debate and discuss all manner of topics. However, some people, peers as well as some teachers, don’t see this, and he would like people to look beyond the mask, and see the intellectual individual he is.

I can relate to these things. I have had friends stop inviting me out because I either couldn’t go or on that occasion not want to go. I don’t find making small talk particularly easy, but I’m not shy. I don’t drink much alcohol, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to have fun.

We all look at people and make judgements, even if we don’t like to admit it. We probably all think that we know people and how they think and feel. We probably don’t. We need to empathise, look beneath the mask, make requests clear, and we need to stop underestimating people.