I have friends who have young children, and they post pictures and comments on social media, and their friends inevitably comment. One thing that has really hit a nerve over the last few months (and maybe it’s just lockdown making me more sensitive to stuff) is people commenting on what a good baby/toddler/child it is because he or she sleeps, eats, uses a potty, goes to school without a fuss, and then that makes mum a good mum too. I need to point out that these posts have been from female friends hence good mum, but dad, grandparent, aunt/uncle or carer are interchangeable here.

My children didn’t sleep through (or at all), and my 15 year old still struggles with sleep when he’s anxious or going through tough teenage times. They were both picky with food, they didn’t always like school, they were (are) messy, they didn’t get As in all their reports, so does that make them bad children or me a bad mum? Actually, my sister and I were bad sleepers, so was my husband, and so was my mum. Were we all bad children, or just not ‘good’ children?

The way society perceives good is linked into normal or conforming behaviour. If your baby sleeps through the night from 6 weeks (or younger), and still does now they’re a toddler, plus they hit all their milestones early and were talking by 18 months and dry by day & night by 2, that’s great, it really is. No sarcasm at all here, I am pleased for you and your baby. But if your baby was still awake every night at 4 (years), refusing food, hating school and leaving the house with a winter coat in the middle of the summer because you HAVE to get food shopping and that’s the only way you could get them out of the house, then I see you, I hear you, and that’s great too.

There is so much societal judgement when we think about becoming parents (and an equal amount of judgement if we decide not to). If you dare to have a sip of wine, or a Mr Whippy ice cream when you’re pregnant, you will be judged by some. Work right til the end of pregnancy??? Don’t you think you should rest? Take early maternity leave??? What kind of example are you setting? Go back to work after 3 months?? Tut. Take extended maternity leave?? Tut. Decide to be a stay at home mum (or dad)?? Tut. Breast or bottle? Co sleep or separate rooms? Sleep training or feed on demand? Baby led weaning or pureed everything? Disposables or reusables? Nursery, childminder or grandparent? School, homeschool or unschool? And so the list goes on and on and on. We are judged by our peers (and ourselves) and so the comments about the ‘good baby’ who sleeps, or the ‘good toddler’ who eats cabbage and the ‘clever preschooler’ reading and writing can do harm.

We are bombarded with advice through the early parenting years (although that seems to dry up as they get older and turn into hormonal teens when advice would be very useful) and we do our best for our children. At the end of the day, whether you chose breast or bottle, co sleep or have a night nanny, become the puree queen or use fish fingers, if you and your baby are happy most of the time, and if your routine and choices suit you, then that’s enough. I had two amazingly good babies who grew up to be amazingly good adults, and they still don’t like cabbage, or sleep, or wearing coats (even in winter), or following the rules or societal expectations, and we’re doing just fine!