After a morning coffee and catch up with friends, putting the world to rights and discussing our teens, a common thread through all teen issues seemed to be a lack of trust and a feeling that their parents have lied.

This was definitely the final straw when our eldest had a tough couple of months when he was in Y11. He was having lots of struggles with hormones & puberty, pressure of GCSEs and pressure from peer groups, but the thing that finally pushed him over the edge into a spiral of anger and a deep sadness was the feeling that we had lied to him.  This all centred on the illness and then death of a close relative, and at the time I thought I was protecting him & sheltering him when he was already very stressed, but he didn’t see it like this. He felt lied to about how bad the situation was, and so that meant there was a trust issue because if we, his safe people, had lied, who could he trust?  I made it worse when I found out because I tried to justify and excuse my actions. For him, my lack of acknowledgement or understanding of how my actions had impacted him added to his negative feelings.

We are all, however, human, and we never stop learning. What happened 7 years ago completely changed what I told my children, and I don’t lie or hide truths from them. At the time, I thought that these were completely different things – but to an angry 16 year old, they’re not.

I now answer questions as honestly and in as much detail as I can. That doesn’t mean that they know everything. A friend as been going through a very tough & difficult time. The boys know that we meet more often, and so have asked if everything is ok. I can’t tell them everything- so this then leads to more honesty. I said something like ‘X is going through a really tough time. There are things I can’t tell you as I need to respect X’s privacy, and because there are other people involved. However, I can tell you that X is ok, they just need a bit more support at the moment.’ That also shows that we can be honest without spreading gossip or breaking a confidence, which is another life lesson.

At a time when everything around them, on them and inside them is changing, our teens need to know they can trust us. Sometimes doing what we think is the right thing and sheltering them actually leads to mistrust as teens (and younger children) tend to know more than we give them credit for. They listen to conversations that we might think they can’t hear, they read our moods – they may read our texts! They also notice if we suddenly have a different code on our phone, or take calls out of earshot, or if our moods or actions change.

We don’t need to tell them everything, and what we do tell them may differ from family to family or even from situation to situation – or you may disagree entirely! But for us, honesty is the best policy, and being more open and transparent has certainly helped deal with teen issues. We have found that the more open and honest we are with them, the more honest and open they are with us.