Let me introduce you to two friends. Laura is 42, her birthday is in February, she has blonde hair and brown eyes and is blood group B+. Marie is also 42, February birthday, blonde hair and brown eyes and is blood group B+. The similarities don’t end there – they are both middle siblings, they both have Maths degrees and are both now working for the same company, in the same department. John also works in that department, and it was his birthday last week. He invited everyone out for drinks at lunchtime, so Laura and Marie went too. John ordered bacon butties and a drink for everyone and had phoned to pre-order to save time as their boss is strict with lunch break timings.

At the pub, he gave everyone their buttie, but there was a problem. Laura is gluten intolerant and a vegetarian, so couldn’t eat the food. John was shocked, as he had popped out for lunch the week before with Marie, and she had really liked the bacon buttie. Laura tried to explain that she wasn’t like Marie, and she wasn’t being difficult, but just could not eat the sandwich. John was shocked. Laura was the same age, same gender, same birth month and even the same blood group as Marie. That should mean that she likes the same food and be able to eat the same things as Marie. It didn’t make sense that she couldn’t physiologically eat gluten, and that she chose not to eat meat. It wasn’t right. If one blonde, 42 year old B+ woman could eat bread & bacon, then surely everyone ‘like that’ could…….

Obviously these are fictional characters, and this hasn’t happened, but people with learning barriers, hidden disabilities, with some health conditions face scenarios like this all the time. They hear phrases like ‘it can’t be that bad as my friend has fibromyalgia and they work full time and travel all round Europe’ or ‘my friend’s son has ASD, and CBD oil has cured them’ or ‘that isn’t a symptom of ADD’ or ‘are you sure you’re depressed?’ and so the list goes on.

Most of these phrases are from well-meaning people. They give advice because they think they are helping, but more often than not, unsolicited advice that starts with phrases such as ‘are you sure’ or ‘my friend’ or ‘have you tried’ isn’t very helpful. At times it can even be hurtful or upsetting. Most of the time we are sure, we have tried, and much as we wish your friend well, it’s unlikely she or he is in the same situation as us. The same goes for holistic therapies – they are amazing but they need to be used alongside conventional treatment where needed. Sometimes they don’t work, sometimes they are like a holy grail that makes sleep happen, or makes someone concentrate. But just because your friend’s hairdresser’s brother’s sister in law used Vetiver Oil and CBD to almost eliminate fibromyalgia or ‘cure’ dyslexia, doesn’t mean it will work for us – and it doesn’t mean that we will necessarily try it!

This has turned into a negative rant, but that’s not how I meant it to be. My point is that we are all, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical, different and unique. We need to share advice and ideas, but we need to do it without judging, even if that judgement is unconsciously done. We need to celebrate our differences and support each other instead of comparing and criticising. We need to respect that every child has their own strengths and weaknesses, and that even two people like Laura and Marie are likely to have some similarities and a lot more differences.

My child with ASD is my child with ASD. He will do things that others do and he will also do things that are unique to him. He will be different to other children with ASD because he isn’t them. The way the condition affects him even day to day can differ. Just because he went into a cafe last week doesn’t mean he will be able to cope with it this week. The same goes for any child, whether they are a skware peg or not. They are all different, they are all special and all unique. We need to encourage such diversity and encourage our children & ourselves to embrace it when we see it in others.