Another rollercoaster month of exam prep, exams, business start up, 1 am meltdowns (followed by projectile vomiting), exam results and letters from camhs……

The school our youngest attends & our eldest used to attend has twice yearly exam/assessment weeks (call them what you will, the kids see them as exams). Personally, I think this is a great idea – I went to a primary & then secondary school were twice yearly exams were the norm, and exams have never phased me.  We put no pressure on them at all about results – our eldest failed many exams, and the world still turned, and he is now running two businesses (more on that later), so although I think taking exams is a good idea, I also think they show how much you understand, but also how much you can remember on the day and regurgitate onto a piece of paper. Our youngest, however, puts an inordinate amount of pressure on himself to do well in the subjects he’s good at, so the week and the weekend before exam week we were trying to keep him calm, but still encouraging him to revise.  The night before exam week, he went to bed OK, not overly happy, but ok. I woke up just before 1 am as his sighing woke me up.  I went into his room and he was sat on the edge of his bed fighting back tears as the head ache had started.  I did everything I could to calm him down, but once the head ache is there, it’s normally down hill to the vomiting and then sleep, and it was.  It was 1.75 hours of shutdown/meltdown and then he projectile vomited all over the bathroom floor while I mad crazy promises to stop him sitting the French exam with everyone else, and then he finally settled around 3 am and slept, while I laid on his floor worrying about middle of the night promises I wasn’t sure I could keep.

It has to be said, school were fantastic, and he didn’t have to sit his exam with everyone else, but the week was stressful for us all.  Trouble is, he takes after me, and the results can be as stressful as the exams.  Overall, his marks are fantastic. We had to share his disappointment at being one mark off one grade higher than his target (one mark off, oh no, you must be so fed up!), and share his elation at grades higher than even he had imagined!

However, these high grades ‘despite’ his dyslexia, anxieties & ASD traits make my battle for recognition of his daily trials and tribulations even harder. He has told me this week that ‘I work twice as hard as some of them, but I don’t think the teachers realise that. I am working hard to do the work, to ignore the background noise, to concentrate, to not have meltdowns, to not rush to the nurse’s room. I work hard all the time just to be there, and they don’t realise’. I think he’s right.

The NHS is strapped for cash, I understand and accept that, but there have been serious cuts to mental health provision.  I assume this is part of the reason why CAMHS has said they can’t take us back at the moment. The letter floored me, and sent me into a severe negative spiral – so much so that our eldest phone my husband to say he was really worried about me and thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I wasn’t, but I was definitely circling.  We have a plan, though. We have seen the GP who has referred us to children’s outpatients, so we wait again, but we have also found a psychologist who will do private assessments following NHS guidelines, if we can’ get the help we need on the NHS. I do get that if there are limited funds you need to prioritise, but part of the reason he isn’t high risk is because we work so hard to make sure he doesn’t get that bad (and I know this weekend is going to be a tough weekend). We’ve said that he’s like a swan gliding along, seemingly graceful and effortless, but beneath the surface his legs are peddling like mad to make sure he keeps going in the right direction.

Back to riding the rollercoaster, though, and our eldest has proved my wrong by setting up two businesses, one coaching kids and one selling gym clothing (both of which are to fill gaps in the market. If you’re interested you can look here or here). They’re not making much money, yet, but he’s found his niche. 5 years after GCSEs, explosive meltdowns and finally getting an ADHD diagnosis, he has found something that he enjoys, and should make a decent living from. Although the ADHD ‘itch’ might kick in in a couple of years and he will look for something else to do, but I am so proud of his courage in following his dreams and finding something to make his soul sing!