I think you can pretty much tell how our lives are going by how much I blog – when things are ticking along I don’t tend to feel the need to write furiously as things are coasting. When things are going amazingly well, or when things feel like we’re wading through treacle, I write (although I may try to start writing a weekly blog…..that’s my plan, but that’s been my plan since I started this 3+ years ago).

Anyway, I am writing today so we much be on an up or a down – and I think in some ways it’s both (hence the title).

We’ve had huge steps forward over the last few weeks – an overnight stay at a hotel with school (might not seem much for some, but it’s massive in this family), eloquent emails to teachers explaining how he feels & why he’s stressed, and another excellent report card. However, I feel this works against us in a way (not that I’d want the grades to drop), but his high marks give the impression that his stress and anxiety don’t impact his learning.  I firmly believe that if the stressors were reduced and the anxiety managed better, his grades could be even higher……but then I feel like I’m sounding like a pushy parent, which I really hope I’m not.  For our eldest, he now has a growing PT business and has found his place. He is happy. After his battle with depression at the end of 2017, this is fabulous. He is happy, driven and focused. He has a plan. He has a place. He’s himself.

But then we’ve had conversations this weekend about him being screened/tested for ASD again – and this time the conversations have been driven by him.  He wants to be screened, he wants a diagnosis, he want a label. Let me make this very clear – this is being driven by him, not us, not school, not family or friends.  I asked why, and he said he is feeling more and more different from most people. He has his group of friends, and he’s happy and relaxed with them, but he is becoming more conscious of how different he feels, and he wants a reason for this. He wants to be able to tell people why he is how he is – he also wants to be able to tell people he has high functioning autism and so a superior brain, but I’m not sure that’s going to help him feel more integrated!!!!

He’s also now worrying about rugby trials – new coaches, new team mates, new routines – and right now he’d rather not go than try. This is because there has been a month break between sessions, so he’s had a month to overthink how different it’s going to be, and now doesn’t want to go back.  This is fine with us, and we don’t mind, except the chance to go again won’t come for another year and I really think he’ll be cross with himself if he doesn’t give it a try. But I can’t make him go. We have a few hours to discuss……

Now it’s my turn, a paragraph of self pity & wallowing, but I need to get it out there. I understand that compared to some people we have it incredibly easy. We have two amazing boys, one with ADHD who is now building his own business, and has worked out how to ‘adult’ & adult well, and I am so proud of him, but he still needs reassurance at times, help with exams and, because of his dyslexia, he also needs help with forms and the like. We have another with ASD traits, clinical anxieties and dyslexia but who is clever enough to know that he is different to many, hence his request for a return trip to the GP. He is managing all the things that normally go on in his head, and now he has the added ‘burden’ of teenage hormones and feelings. Life is tough for him at the moment – as it is for many teens. If he had a physical injury we could contact the rugby team and say he was injured.  To say he’s having a bad week with his mental health issues should have the same weight, but if he was injured he could turn up on crutches (which is what was requested, even if they’re injured they should turn up anyway & learn). His mental health issues means that it’s the turning up that’s the issue.  So we do everything we can. We talk, we listen, we juggle work so that at 13 he’s not on his own at all in the holidays. And some days it feels like we’re doing really well, and others it feels like it’s never going to end. That there is no magic wand to make life easier for my boys.

However, enough of this melodramatic waffle, it is a rollercoaster, and just as we feel we are hitting rock bottom, we climb back up again.  It’s the Easter hols, the GP visit has been booked, the sun is shining, and I am going to pry him away from his electronics and take him out into the sunshine, because, despite what teenagers claim, sunshine isn’t bad for them!!