There haven’t been any updates for a few weeks because we have had calmness, smiles, singing, laughter and it’s been amazing. We’ve had our boy back. We thought we had cracked it (for now) and I was actually a little worried we would have very little to report to CAMHS when we go back at the end of March.

But then, on Sunday evening, the happy bubble cracked, the dark clouds gathered and the anxiety came back. The mood changed, the frown and the sad face returned and I laughed at my naivety thinking we’d got it sorted.

When his dark clouds return, mine do too. It’s so hard to stay happy and upbeat when you can see your baby struggling with something that is way to big for a 12 year old to have to deal with. And a big problem with anxieties is that there is not necessarily any logic to them; some big things can be shrugged off, and yet a tiny thing gets under your skin, opens the flood gates and all the worries and anxieties come rushing back. As an aside, it’s interesting how seeing his anxieties has made me recognise my own. We’re definitely on this journey together.

So, about 26 hours after the gate was opened and the darkness came back we had a chat, and for the first time, he told me what he thought might be worrying him. There is a new boy starting at school after half term. He seems nice enough, but he’s ‘stereotypical’. I asked what he meant by this. Stereotypical sporty kid, science kid or…? He was a stereotypical boy. He liked football. He liked normal things. He wasn’t like my son. When I asked if this mattered (and this broke me last night), he said it kind of did, because he was in a minority, and if another stereotypical boy joined the year, he would be even more in a minority. He would feel even more different. Does he want to change? No. Does he have nice friends now? Yes. But he feels different, and if there is someone new who’s not like him, then this is someone else for him to feel different from. He’s also worried that now he’s just about enjoying school and going in happy and enthusiastic, his fragile status quo could be disrupted.

My heart is breaking right now. I want a magic wand and a crystal ball. I want to tell him it’s all going to be OK and to stop worrying, but I can’t. I can’t promise this new boy (who I’m sure is very nice) won’t make things change and alter the dynamics of the year. He might not, but he might. They are all full of pre-teen hormones. A new pecking order will need to be decided, new friendships made.

I’ve emailed his teacher and she has been fantastic (as usual), and will keep an eye on things. I have told him what I’ve done and he has gone in a little happier this morning. I think we have closed the flood gates, for now, and hopefully his anxieties will be unfounded and the new boy will be a little quirky, and will fit in. If not, we will rally round him, and help him to find the coping mechanisms needed to deal with whatever happens next……