A recent post on Facebook got my attention. It was from a SENCo who wanted to know what advice parents of SEND children would like to give in preparation for a training session she was going to give her colleagues. My reply got a few likes, so I thought I would expand it on here. As I also teach, it is, in many ways, an aide memoir to myself as I sometimes forget the advice I give as a parent when I am teaching a SEND student, or any student with any kind of barrier, or indeed any student.

Here goes……

Dear teacher/tutor/lecturer,

As I am sure you are aware, my child has a few ‘issues’ that are documented at school, and the details will have been passed on to you. However, at school, my child wears a ‘mask’ that stops you seeing the real him. To really get to know him, you need to try and see what’s going on behind the mask. You also need to realise that the mask means he’s not OK. The mask means that he’s feeling under pressure or stressed, and he won’t be working to the best of his abilities. No reaction is not a positive reaction. Saying he’s fine, OK, or meh, is not a positive reaction. It means he is just about holding on, just about managing. It doesn’t mean things are good. It doesn’t really mean things are OK. It means that there is an inner struggle to stay calm, to breathe and to do what he needs to do.

I have no doubt that because his meltdowns are saved for home, and that because he is such a good pupil when he is wearing his mask that you think he’s doing well. He’s learning, he’s hitting targets. Quite often he’s exceeding targets, and when he doesn’t you just tell him not to worry, and you put it down to one of those things rather than finding out why. Academically he is doing well and we are very pleased with his academic progress. However, inside he’s not doing very well. Inside he’s barely treading water, and now the school has broken up for Christmas and he can let his mask slip, we are dealing with a term of internalising the struggle. We are lying with him while he goes to sleep. We are giving low dose Calpol when the headache gets too much. We are trying to persuade him to relax and and enjoy the holidays rather than worry about how little time is left compared to the huge expanse that is next term.

When term does start again, I need you to remember that being ‘fine’ doesn’t mean that he is fine. I need you to realise that smiles, interaction, laughter and seeing the boy behind the mask means he’s doing well.  I need you to see the spark, the wit, the sarcasm and the amazing mind. Do whatever you need to do to try and connect with the boy behind the mask, and help him grow and develop into a self-confident adult who can sparkle & shine.

Many thanks,

Mum