There is a saying that I seem to be using more and more these days, and that is that you can’t drink or pour from an empty cup. This is true for everyone, especially parents, but as a parent of children with additional needs, I need to remember this on a daily basis.

I am lucky that my children’s needs aren’t too ‘additional’, and with one at uni and one at secondary school, on the whole life is much easier than it was even 2 years ago. However, I find that when my children are stressed, I am stressed as I am either trying to help them deal with their stressor, or I feel helpless because I can’t help. Our youngest doesn’t sleep well when things are bothering him, and so with the change from primary to secondary school and the associated stress, it is over 8 weeks since I have had more than two or three nights uninterrupted sleep. With school, work, hobbies and our animals, I can’t have a lie in, even at weekends, so, to coin another phrase often seen on social media, my tired is tired.

We had an appointment at CAMHS earlier this month to discuss our youngest’s ASD assessment (not ASD, but he does have anxieties and some ASD traits), and I kept trying to tell our caseworker that I was so tired all the time, and I needed help.  I needed answers and solutions. One of the conversations went a little like this:

Me: I am really worried that he will slip into a depression. There have been times when I felt that he was in a negative spiral, and it scared me.

CW: Did he become depressed?

Me: No, because I did everything in my power to stop that happening. I worked bloody hard, and he came out of it.

CW: So what would CAMHS add to this? You are doing a fantastic job, but parenting a child with additional needs is hard work, and it is tiring.  Nothing can change that.

Until this point I was cross that everything we had done meant that our son couldn’t have extra help, and he wouldn’t benefit from interventions or counselling, but this was a lightbulb moment for me; we are doing a really good job, and our efforts (and the bags under my eyes) means that he doesn’t need extra help or interventions at the moment. We are doing OK, in fact, I think we are doing really well. Our eldest is on a university course that he loves, and seems to be enjoying education for the first time since…..well….ever, and our youngest is settling into secondary school, has been rugby captain for two matches and has been nominated as a year spokesperson on a school visit – not bad for a child with social anxieties and stresses.

But I also realised that I need to take time to be alone, and that my husband and I need to take time to be a couple. I need to refill my cup (be that a walk with the dog, a long soak in the bath without interruptions about school uniform, homework or clean pants, or a night out with friends), and I need to refill my cup without any guilt or constant phone checking.

I did have a mini-meltdown at the beginning of this term, when our eldest was swapping courses and our youngest was overwhelmed with school. I shocked myself, and him, when I snapped at our eldest ‘I can’t do this at the moment, I am empty’. And I was, so I left paperwork, housework and gardening and I had an hour or two crafting watching trash day time TV, and it did the trick. I felt no guilt at all, and instead I felt myself filling back up, refreshed and ready to be supermum again and sort out all the problems.

The message from this,  then, is that as parents, we all face different challenges & struggles. We don’t have all the answers, but then we’re not supposed to. This is an adventure, a rollercoaster, not an easy ride. We have to enjoy the highs, and hold on tight, dig deep and trust our instincts through the lows.  We have to realise that this is real life, not a rose-tinted Instagram account of smiles and #soblessed picture opportunities. We also need to take time to refill. After all, this is kick-ass parenting, and we’re rocking it!!